Sis P

Meet Patience:

1. She can talk. The first time I met her she talked to me for about an hour straight all about her life, the grace of Jesus, her family. She has a way of drawing you in, making you believe you are completely at home in her presence.

2. She’s got the cutest roundest cheeks you’ve ever seen. And when she smiles, it’s the sort of smile that reaches a persons eyes, and you can tell, you can just tell that the soul behind that smile is rejoicing.

3. She had a daughter who she mothered better than most moms I’ve ever met. And the way her face lit up when she told funny stories of that child was so special.

4. She often marches to the beat of her own drum. But she doesn't care.

5. She loves Jesus. And sho, did He lavish His joy upon her. I always can just picture Sis P dancing with Him, the kind of dancing that is just your body reflecting on whats going on in your heart — freedom. She's dancing with Jesus now. For eternity.

6. She loves to tell stories.

7. She's got this ginormous fighting spirit for such a little person. Life continued to push her around, but every time she'd push back. I've never seen someone with so much will, stubborn at times, but she always refused to stop trying even when situations grew dim. And she never stopped seeking the Lords good, perfect and pleasing will. 

8. She's never afraid to be vulnerable. I saw her cry many times, but she makes it easy for me to see how God can work through brokenness. She teaches me that God doesn't really want perfect people, and when we cry, when we break before Him, His lights speak through that. She's always teaching me.

9. She loves to sing.

10. Patience died May 19, the day before Easter, giving birth to a beautiful little baby. This easter, as we celebrated the victory that is in Jesus, I could help but dance for Sis P, because I was just constantly reminded that Sis P is up there dancing with Him. She gets to spend eternity with Jesus. And what a better ending to the story that anything I could imagine.

If you wanna be a missionary, you better think of the basics.

Here's something they don't tell you when you go to be a missionary. Well, at least they never told me. Maybe they did and I just never took it seriously, but anyway.
Make friends as quick as you can.
Up and moving to a different country to do whatever warm fuzzies God's asking you to do comes at a very serious price that I didn't quite start to realize until I got several months in. It's flippin' lonely. If you don't get out of your comfort zone fast that is.
Being in ministry at a place like this, you work with the same people you live with, which are also the people you bible study with, and eat with and minister with and do well, pretty much everything with.
That's unhealthy.
You wanna keep sane in this line of work, you need to make your first priority to make friends with people in the community that you are close to. And fast.
When you choose to move like this, you pretty much leave behind all of your deep and meaningful relationships and let me tell you, that's a hard thing to adjust to not having.
So the trick is, before you do anything, make sure you have somewhere or rather someone to go to outside of your ministry for when things start getting hard, you want to get away, or you just want to go have some fun with.
But the second part of all of this is, friends don't really come to you. You can't go out and "find" friends. It's not like a where's waldo kind of thing where you stand amongst a bunch of people and say: "There! I spotted one! A friend!" You're not hunting for special game.
You have to MAKE friends. Which means, although I hate leaving home, I hate talking to new people, and I HATE that uncomfortable "first date" with friends. You know, that moment when one of you finally says: "Do you wanna hang out? Go get a coffee or something?" And you have NO idea if the conversation will be awkward, if you'll even have things to talk about. What if they think I'm a really uncomfortable person and they decide they don't want to be friends with me, and that door completely shuts.
All I can say is, it's worth the risk. Making friends is not an easy business, at least not for me. But it's necessary and worth it.

I get naked!

We were born naked. We should probably do our best to stay that way.

I'm not talking about going crazy, stripping to our panties and boxers and streaking through the streets. That would be insane. And uncomfortable. And hard to explain to my parents. I'm talking about when you completely strip yourself before God and others and leave yourself vulnerable for whatever judgments, affirmations, rejections and opinions that may come. 

We started reading this book. It's called "In the Name of Jesus" by Henri J.M. Nouwen.

Let me just tell you, holy shit. That book is throwing me for a loop.

It's really forcing me to see that I am consumed and dictated by wanting to feel relevant, important, loved. I want credit where credit is due. I want to be recognized. I want to be successful.

I mean think about it. How many of you out there can honestly say that if you work your ass off for something, and then a coworker you hate gets all the credit for it, you wouldn't be just a little bit pissed. 

That didn't happen to me. I'm just saying, this book (and the bible for that matter) teaches us that we should work our butts off, doing everything we can for Him and the kingdom and NEVER care who gets the credit. Crazy stuff right?

The book says:

"I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self."

Wow really? 

I got some work to do in my character. 

I mean I'm discovering that when I feel insecure I tend to hang on to accomplishments and skills. 

Like when I run into an old rival who is now super successful, I tend to comfort my mind by saying things like: "It's not that big of a deal. You're still saving the world in Africa." or "You're an amazing writer; they surely can't compare with you in that." 

It's ridiculous friends! Truly ridiculous! I'm ridiculous. I probably am not really that pompous when I talk to myself but I needed a good example. But seriously, the bible teaches us that all of our security, our anchor is in Jesus. It also teaches us that we are completely incompetent! Like 1 Corinthians 1 says:

"Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong ... Therefore, let the one who boasts, boast in the lord."

I hate admitting that I'm really not competent in anything. I hate giving up my competitive edge and desire to be the best, to earn the best, and to be loved more than the rest. I want to look impressive. Always.

But the one whom Jesus loves and favors is the one who is completely ok with never getting noticed.

I mean, when it comes down to it, it's just going to be you and Him up there right? 

I'm working on it. I'm working on trying to be completely selfless in everything I do. I'm working on not being jealous of my teammates when they get attention or do something better than me. I'm working on being irrelevant. I'm working on being naked before God and others.

The JAM story

So recently, as of the beginning of this year, I've been assigned the task on staff to be sort of like the media person. I maintain the website, put together the newsletter content and in the past few weeks have done a lot of work kickstarting this new project. It's called the Jam Story. I'll explain just now below the "theme copy" of the whole project, but I really just wanted to create a way for everyone associated in JAM to 1. be connected and 2. feel important. I think this project hits on both. You can watch the actual kick off video on the JAM website: www.jamafrica.org.za

Here’s to the pick N Pay baggers.

Here’s to the 7-year-old shoeless Transkei child with the brightest smile you’ve ever seen.

Here’s to the business men who kiss their wife goodbye every morning and go keep the economy turning.

Here’s to the longstreet night-goers and the Sunday morning worshipers.

To the tourists, the surfers and the skateboarders.

To the single mothers of five, doing all they can to keep their families afloat.

Here’s to all the young people, the old people, the in between people, the smokers and drinkers and the “I’ve never stepped my foot out of line” do gooders.

Here’s to you, whoever you are.

All these people are part of JAM’s story. Because JAM’s story is Jesus’ story. And you my friend play a role in it.

“The Cross of Jesus for the Cross of Arica.” That’s our story. And every chapter is just a reiteration of that theme. Whether you are aware or not, you are a character in this tale.

Jesus’ cross isn’t just for the African children in the rural communities who don’t get enough food or don’t have shoes on their feet. It’s not just for the middle class white woman who has everything she’ll ever need but it’s still not quite what she wants.

Jesus’ cross is for everyone.

So I implore you to jump in and start noticing that everyone’s life is just telling the same story yours is. A story that begins and ends with love and redemption.

We as JAM are starting a project that will reiterate everything we’re saying now. 

Through bracelets that say “JamStory” or by the multiple media feeds with “#JamStory” attached, we hope it will be a reminder to you that you are a part of the story of the “Cross of Jesus for the Cross of Africa.”

Every time you see a picture or a post with either a bracelet in it, or a “#JamStory” you’ll remember just how very connected we all are. I encourage you to add your own chapters to the story by posting to facebook, instagram or twitter and adding #JamStory at the end.

So come on. Join in. Start telling your story.

KiKi

It wasn't until after I left that I discovered just how much I love my sister. 

I mean I've always known that. I've always had this deep understanding that we were life partners. It's a relationship that's hard to put in words or explain to others because it belongs so much to the two of us, that no one else can really have any ownership in it, even in its concept. 

But any who, we were never really the sisters to sit up in to the late hours of the night telling our deepest darkest secrets and talking about boys and stuff.

We had a number of conversations that were very deep and vulnerable, but it wasn't a once a week occurrence. But now, since I've been away, I've really developed this understanding of how much I want to develop that side of our relationship and also, just how much her presence meant to me. 

Having an absence of it has left me ravenously thirsty for it. I can't wait till she comes next month.

So many times in the past month when JAM was just getting to be too much for me, or the work was getting overwhelming or the people were getting on my last nerves, or I just needed a good cry, I would message her. I've been really blown away with how God has allowed our relationship to grow even deeper once I started opening a new door into it. 

I've always had friends, so often in the past, I've overlooked my sister when it came to talking to her about frustrations, boys, future, struggles. I mean sometimes I would, like I said, but in the past, I'd always go to my friends for that stuff.

But now, here, to be honest, I don't really have friends. That's not really a luxury you get when you up and move to a new country, barely know anyone, and travel all the time. But, in that, I've begun to turn to Kristyn for the things I would have normally turned to a friend for. And man! I wish I would have done that years ago!!

I love my sister. 

Her wisdom really awes me sometimes. And her loyalty and friendship and incomparable. I'm never too much. And I never melt down "too often" for her. But every time she welcomes my emotional self with open arms and a good joke. :) 

I don't know what your siblings are like but my Kiki probably blows them out of the water. 

I learn how to sucker punch

I know it's been awhile. 

I'm real sorry about that.

God's been really busy in me lately. Some days I feel like I'm going to walk to the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at me. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I started which is somewhat of a bummer because I like that person. But the identity God is forming in me is hopefully going to be a better version. 

I'm currently learning how to shut up. I don't know if any of you out there can relate but when I'm in a conversation, I can't help but sometimes just spew a fact or a story that I find interesting or entertaining without thinking about whether or not I ACTUALLY need to share it or not. It's like fact vomit. I can feel it coming up but it's already out before I smell the consequences. 

People just get sick of know it alls. Plus, the spirit doesn't want you to share everything that comes up in your thoughts. 

I've been realizing lately how much greater it would be to be that person that only talks when necessary but when they do talk: BOOM! You get sucker punched with wisdom. 

I'd much rather be that person, don't you think?

Bliss

Let me just paint a picture of my life right now.
It's 8 o'clock in the morning.
The sun has been out since 6, but in a beautiful subtle way. In a way that suggests it's lightly tapping you awake, saying "come out and dance with me." rays of light try to sneak their way into my room around the curtains.
I'm sitting on my bed writing this post. To my left, is the hall, where I can here the melodies of soft worship songs streaming from a guitar. The voices singing, slowly and collectively, grow louder, then softer, then louder again, and there is a peaceful content-ness to it that is simply one of those feelings you can't quite describe right in words. Almost like the feeling you get driving by yourself with the windows down on a summer day when you got nothin' to worry about.
To my right, my suite mate is showering and getting ready for the day, but she has her iPod on and is boldly singing to a beautiful black gospel choir.
And behind all this noise is the soft and cheery sound of birds chirping.
Not a bad morning to be on the mountain if you ask me. :)

Passion

Let me just be very frank for a second.
The life I've chosen to live can sometimes suck. Majorly.
Every time I get on Facebook or get a letter in the mail, I get to hear about how awesome University is and I get to read about all the experiences I've wanted since I was 12.
I never see my family. When they drop me off at the airport each time I fly back to South Africa, I stare at them through the other side of the terminal window for a few moments, sizing them up and praying that I can remember their faces as clearly as if they were always behind some distance transcending window. If I'm being honest, I forget. I forget the slate grey color of my fathers beard or the way my sister burrows her eyebrows and sticks out her tongue when she concentrates. I start to replace the details with only fractions of them, as if changing from HD TV to regular. It just gets a little fuzzy.
I get lonely. Living on the mountain allows me to live in tremendous beauty at all times, but it sometimes feels as though I'm locked on an island because there are limits to when and how often you can come and leave the mountain. They are not limits set by JAM, but ones I inflict on myself. I could always walk down the mountain,  but even then, who would I see? I know very few people in Cape Town and even fewer are within walking distance.
And then there's the simple fact of never really knowing where you're going. In university, you get chances to take classes and test where it is you want your life to be heading. If you don't like your major, scrap it and pick another. There are endless possibilities. But at least in this phase of my life, I have no clue where I'm going or what I'm doing. Will I just be in ministry for forever or not?
And lastly, there's an aspect of alone-ness that comes with simply doing something no one else is doing. It gets really frustrating when no one your age or really no one from your world understands what it is to live in another world. Coming home for this past 6 weeks has been such a blessing don't get me wrong, but I had this impossible expectation for the people I love to understand what it is to be in the situation I'm in. To know all the questions to ask and feel all the things that I have felt. But that is not even possible. You cannot expect a bird to understand what it is to swim.
So all these things and more I have been wresting with for several weeks now. I've been trying to decide what the next step for me is after JAM. I've been losing my passion and direction for what we do in JAM and even in missions in general. I thought I was starting to lose interest in missions entirely.
And then Passion happened.
Passion is a HUGE christian conference for people ages 18-25. I went this year with a vanful of some really good friends of mine. The speakers were all great and enlightening and the worship was very powerful. But the one thing that touched me the most was a prayer time at the very end of the conference.
It was hardly a main event of the conference but a few hours before it ended on Saturday night, Louie Giglio, the founder and main speaker, first asked everyone to stand in the stadium who wanted to accept Jesus into their hearts right now. The amount of people that stood was actually uncomfortably low, but no matter, Jesus is doing what He is doing and I rejoice in the handful that did.
But then, Louie asked everyone in the stadium to stand up if they felt a call to the nations, aka, overseas missions. I have been praying for a few weeks now for the nations. It has been burned in my heart a brokenness for all the people in the world who do not know Jesus, especially the ones who do not even have the opportunity to because of political or religious oppression. Even within South Africa, a country who can freely have the Word and love Jesus without having to worry about jail or death, my heart still breaks for that country. Whenever our JAM van pulls up in a community for kids ministry or something, they come RUNNING to it. I don't know the individual stories of each kid, but when we come, we give them love, we show them the love of Jesus, and I just don't know that they get to experience that very many other places. Jesus gives them a hope they cannot know from what their world teaches them. Most of our kids and adolescents are growing up in a world of 25% unemployment. That's one out of every four people without a job. Very few of them will leave the town they grew up in and even fewer will leave the country. Most of them will grow up to be a part of a gang, or perhaps they'll die of aids very young.
My heart breaks for the nations. And I pray even though the workload is great and the laborers few, that God would send our generation as the hands and feet for Him. Every person, I believe has those couple of things they pray for as vigorously as they pray for self-centered things. If I think about it, I spend an awful lot of time praying for things in my life, internal struggles, or even friends, but praying for the nations is one of those things God has given me a broken heart for and I pray just as strongly for that as I do for myself.
Anyway, during Passion, Louie asked everyone in the stadium to stand up if they felt a call to the nations. Hundreds of students stood. Hundreds of 18-25 year olds have already been marked as ambassadors to the nations and I just started crying in my seat. I mean really crying.
I have seen very few things as beautiful as that. And all at once I got an overwhelming conviction that loving the nations is and always will be my calling. I have never been more passionate about the world and about missions. And I am overjoyed to be heading back to my brothers and sisters in South Africa tomorrow.
It's a sad and awesome thing to know that your home is changing and your world is changing.
So many times during the previous 5 months, all I wanted was to go home. And now, I've been home for 6 weeks and for the past 5 weeks, again, all I wanted was to go home. Only, I finally have realized, I'm going home tomorrow.

The shortest blog post ever.

Xandra left. It sucked. Jesus healed. I'm better.

Why "See Jane Run" was worth it.

Sometimes, we really take for granted what others have worked so hard for us to achieve. 

We had a camp this weekend with the IY girls (for those of you who aren't up to date, IY is a community we work with weekly). The focus was 2 things:

1. Use what you have. God has given you SOMETHING. Use it to glorify Him.
2. The self discovery bible study process which is a way to conduct a bible study that will eventually replicate into more study groups. 

We really wanted the girls to encounter Jesus and to start developing skills and a desire to pursue their relationship with Him long after the camp.

Some of the girls who attended the camp were girls we've been working with for years, so they have an understanding of who God is and what it takes to be a disciple. For those girls, we really wanted to empower them to start taking on a leadership role in their communities and to start actually making disciples of their own.

For the rest of the girls at the camp, they seemed fairly new at their walks with God if any existed at all, so for them, we really just wanted them to be able to experience Him and to continue that relationship afterwards.

Most of the gals at the camp were between grades 7-9 and if any of you out there has ever worked with junior high students, it's not always easy. 

There were so many moments where we would be in a session or a group setting and none of them would talk, or they would say something ridiculous as a sign of attention deficit. 

But these girls all had a really genuine heart and we got to see amazing breakthroughs throughout the weekend. Walls came down. The Spirit exploded. Tears were shed. 

But as we were doing bible studies with them, I was getting a little frustrated at the lack of participation. As our team debriefed later on, I came to realize why that was. These girls couldn't read and comprehend. As we read passages, they would look blankly at us as we asked them questions about the passage. They could all read aloud well, but they couldn't comprehend what they were reading, to them it was just a matter of if they could actually pronounce and read the words on the page. 

I kept thinking back to the third or fourth grade when our teachers would make us test on reading comprehension. We'd have to read some boring passage or a book or a poem or something, and then we'd have to answer questions based on what we read.

One of my teammates who has lived here for years said during our debrief that most of these girls might not have that skill. They might not be able to read something and then answer questions about it because they don't have good reading comprehension skills.

It would have NEVER crossed my mind that that could be why the girls were so intimidated by reading the bible. 

It's amazing what we take for granted. Being able to read the bible and understand is truly a gift. Even if you don't really understand everything it says, if you can at least retell the general basis of a parable or chronologically recount your favorite story, you are truly blessed. If you can read the words and know where the sentence starts and ends, you are blessed. If you even HAVE a bible, you are blessed.

As we prepare to do an underground church service this month, our team is reading about all kinds of persecuted christians all over the world and it's amazing how many places the bible is banned. If it is caught in your possession, that is worthy of death. 

And as I thought about the fact that for some of these girls, reading and comprehending the bible on their own isn't always an easy realty (attainable, but not easy), it means that real tangible encounters with Jesus are so necessary. God WILL reach and pursue His children. Most of those girls had an INSANE prayer life because that's what they have. They don't always have bibles on hand, and they can't always understand it when they do. But they have Jesus, and they have prayer, and they have gifts and they USE them.

I never thought I'd say this, but, thank you Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Best for making me read those silly "See Jane Run" chapter books and then testing me on it. Thank you every English teacher since that has been testing me on my ability to process words.

And thank you Jesus for pursuing us.

Dreams. Watcha gonna do about em?

Now for a rather serious post.
There's something God has really been working in my heart for a while now.
You know when you're little and even when you're old I suppose, people will always tell you to never stop chasing your dream.
"Don't give up," they say.
"Life isn't worth anything if you don't have a dream," they say.
It might even be more so in my household because I grew up in a house that loved Disney and Walt Disney's biggest platform was that a dream was always worth chasing no matter how long it took, how much you had to sacrifice or how hard you have to work for it.
On the surface, it's all a nice notion, but God has really been teaching me how very wrong that idea is.
I have a lot of dreams. I'm a dreamer. I've gone through so many passionate phases of dreaming of owning a cake bakery, or being a photographer for National Geographic (before they went entirely to freelance), being a poet or a writer or you name it. But the newest dream and the longest lasting was I wanted to be a writer.
I feel like I've wanted to do that for so long and to help me get there, I wanted and dreamed and wished to go to this school in Chicago called Columbia College Chicago where I could major in literature and creative writing. As a part of their program, as a junior and senior in college I could work on my own book and my senior year, the school would publish it for me. The professors are still currently working in the writing field and could have taught me how to make writing into a career. I could have found a place in the city and take a train back home whenever I felt like I needed to visit my family. It was never too far away. It was a splendid dream. And one very attainable.
I wanted to study/minor in film and possible become a documentary filmmaker as well, traveling around the world documenting what god was doing in it. Kind of like the Furious Love, Finger of God, and Father of Light guy.
But the longer I'm here in South Africa, and the more stories I hear of how God has His own plans in peoples lives, the more I come to realize that I might never see any of my dreams come to pass. And the crazy part is, I've got to learn to surrender that.
The minute I said yes to Jesus, and every day since, I've had to wake up and "die to myself" and that includes let my dreams die. Because anything I could dream for myself is way less fulfilling than what God could dream for me.
Sometimes it can be a little hard hearing from all my friends back home either through snail mail or Facebook or instagram or whatever because most of them are freshman in college and I hear about all of these things I've always dreamed of having. I hear about the dorms and the classes and the food and the people and the freedom and just the college life. I think about the fact that perhaps that will NEVER be in God's plan for me. Perhaps I will never go to college. And that literally breaks my heart.
I think about the fact that perhaps I will never be a writer. Maybe I will never be a film maker. Maybe I will never live in Chicago or have my little puppies or a flat in the city or husband with a child. I've no idea.
I think about all these things I've dreamed of, all these dreams I would give anything to achieve. My heart breaks at the thought that my dreams might never happen. But there's a quiet resolution that I must just surrender them to God. Because sometimes our dreams can hold us back from the fullness of His plan.
I always thought dreams were such a great thing. They gave purpose to life, a goal and something to strive for. But then again, when I chose Jesus, I chose Him as my purpose in live, the Father as my goal, and eternity as something to strive for.
As much as I don't want to and as hard as it is, I must learn to be content with the prospect of a dream dying. I must learn to content with the possibility that they might never happen. But I must understand that God will give me a new dream that matches His plan if they don't now.
Yeah, a dream might be a wish your heart makes, but isn't your heart deceitful?

Bullet point memory week two of outreach

Ok, so the whole previous post was JUST week one of this amazing outreach, so as an infomercial would say: BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! And here is week two's things I want to remember.

Background: For week two, while we were in the Koue Bokkeveld, we stayed in this church that had an adjacent kitchen and gym/auditorium/stage/hall kind of area. We did kids ministry in the mornings and in the afternoons and evenings, we worshipped and prayed with the youth.

• Jesus in the gym — in the middle of the day, we had a bunch of free time our second day. I decided I just wanted to pray. Out loud. By myself. And somewhere where I could yell. So I went to the gym. I put on some music, and I just had a really honest, real time with Jesus. I got loud. I yelled. I listened. I sang. It was awesome.
• Crazy worship night — Things got cray. I stood on a chair for a long time. Impromptu poetry started coming out. People were getting visions. God was speaking like crazy. It too was awesome.
• Conversation with Lisa — I got to have a really cool conversation with Lisa just about struggles and my life and stuff. It was cool because I've been semi-bad about opening up.
• Making a new song — one day during free time, Gareth, Lisa, Thinus and I decided we just wanted to mess around, so we ended up making a worship song complete with animal sounds and crazy other sounds. Check it out on Facebook. :)
• Learning Ballet — Xandra taught us how to be ballerinas on the stage. I couldn't sit comfortably for a few days. I have so much respect for dancers.
• Getting locked in the bathroom — CRAZY STORY! Ok, so one morning before breakfast, I went to take a shower and when I had finished I was going to leave. When I tried the door handle, I had been locked. From the inside. And I was no where close enough to any of the team members for them to hear me screaming for help. So I stayed locked in there for a while trying the door. I had no phone or anything. I was starting to get frustrated, a little bit scared. So I prayed. I decided to try the handle one more time. The door came right open. CRAZY! Prayer is so powerful.
• LoEllen's smile — I'm sure I didn't say his name right, but there's this really cool dude in Opi Berg who loves Jesus so much and just has one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen.
• Jesus in the gym #2 — One of the nights, we decided to do an all night prayer in which we each took time slots during the night where we would wake up and pray. That way, there was always someone praying throughout the whole night. I decided to do extra and I took 4 hours during the night and I wanted to do my time in the gym area. At first I just worshipped for over two hours. I could only really play one song because I'm still learning, but after a while I just started to make up my own lyrics and it was cool because it was like I was really singing to Jesus what was on my heart. Around 12:30, the demons started to come and let me tell you I was TERRIFIED! I have never been more scared of them. I wanted to run, or wake someone up to come pray with me. But then all of a sudden, I really was filled with the holy spirit and I just heard this voice say: "sing. Just sing."I was filled with all sorts of courage. I grabbed the guitar, started to play and just sang. Instantly, I saw this ring begin to expand around the building and the demons could not enter the ring. God reminded me how much of a spiritual battle this side of eternity is and I immediately began praying protection over our team and for Koue Bokkeveld.
• Magic tricks — Gareth decided he was going to be a magician. It didn't work out so well. Lisa really is a magician and showed us some crazy card tricks!
• Lastly, I want to remember all the people who accepted Jesus on this trip — we were truly blessed. We got to see so many seeds drop on fertile soil.

So that was everything I want to remember about our two week outreach. I know I didn't give much detail on what we were doing in each place, but you can read about it somewhere on the JAM website I'm sure. This was just the outreach from my perspective.

Bullet point memory week one of outreach

Ok! Outreach! In case some of you out there don't keep updated with JAM or any of their social media websites or get their newsletters or any of the other marvelous things they do to keep in touch with people all over, then let me fill you in. Our team (well, majority of our team) went on a two week outreach first to Prince Albert and then to Koue Bokkeveld (spelling is so butchered; I'm sorry).

It was nice because, well many reasons, which I will list and briefly explain below, but especially because of how small our team was. The super six included: Myself, Tessa, Lisa, Xandra, Gareth and Thinus. And that was our team — just the six of us. It was quite nice with the flexibility of a small team and the "homey, family" feel. But here's some things I wrote down that I wanted to remember about this outreach.

• Mixed CDs — I got to make some killer mix CD's for the 10+ hours we spent in a car over the outreach. I included all the best like some Disney, some '80s, some techno, some oldies, a little bit of this, little bit of that. But bottom line, they were awesome mixes and it was SO much fun to rock out with the team in the car
• Mountain Update — in case you are slightly behind, Gareth, Masi and I have started a youtube channel all about the life we have living on a mountain. Don't worry, we DID do updates while we were on outreach. 
• Card Games — almost every night, the team would have some time where it was just the six of us and we would play super fun card games like UNO or this one game called Mao. Looking back on the card game moments, we kind of looked like a cheesy hallmark movie where the family sits down and plays a game together, but it was PERFECT!
• Tent collapse — the first half of outreach, we were staying in tents and one of the nights/mornings, there was a HUGE thunder storm. While everyone was running around grabbing bags and things, our tent literally collapsed on me and I was stuck there for a while, haha! It was quite hilarious.
• Braii — oh man! We had such a yummy braii with Tannie Heleen and Oom Karl. It was lamb chops and bread and other yummy things, oh my word!
• Job — Every morning the first couple of days, youth from a surrounding town came and helped us build  camp activities for the Prince Albert base. One of the mornings I got to lead the devotional and I decided to do it over Job. It turned out to be super blessed and was exactly what some people needed to hear. Go Jesus! :D
• Worship with Kalisdorp — oh my word! We did a weekend camp in Prince Albert with two neighboring towns' youth and their worship! These people were such worshippers! All of it was beautiful and most of it was made up on the spot. It was so lovely and blessed
• Testimony at the cross — during the camp, we "hiked" up to a cross near the house where I got to give a Little snippet of my testimony which was cool because it was really only the second time I've done that in all my life.
• Smores — 'nough said.
• Enslin & rap & poetry — I met a guy who will be joining JAM next year named Enslin. And he's awesome. I got to perform some poetry for him and a few other guys and in return they all started rapping. They were sooo good! All their raps were about Jesus.
• Create a song — during one of the camp sessions, tannie split everyone into 4 groups, and each group was given a verse in the bible in which they must make a song out of. It was SO much fun and so cool how the spirit showed up.
• Tannie's session on blessings and encouragement — Tannie had a session all about speaking words of life and encouraging each other. We got to stand in two circles (an inner and an outer) facing each other, then we took turns telling each other encouragement. It was incredible!
• Tannie sayings — throughout our time with Tannie Heleen, she would randomly just say such encouraging things to us. Things she told me: You're lovely. You've got a beautiful instrument (meaning my singing voice). You're a great composer. And, others enter into God's secret place because of  your one-ness with Jesus. So encouraging eh?
• Response to testimony — there were two young people, a guy and a girl, who each came up to me and said how much they needed to hear my testimony at this point in their lives and it was SO awesome to know that God had used me in that way.
• Sheep Tending with the Haus' — I got to herd sheep.
• Playing guitar on the porch — I'm reteaching myself guitar and I got to play on our lazy day where I was overlooking a sheep pasture, and the mountains and this beautiful sky. It was so surreal

So that all was from week one of outreach. My next post will be week 2.

Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth for a bit there.

My goodness. I do apologize for my absence for this period of time. Normally, I would blame my lack of blog updates on the fact that we've been busy at JAM. But that's probably not quite true. We have been busy doing weekly ministry and our two week outreach and things, but there has been plenty of time to update this blog; I just haven't. I'm sure all the writers out there can identify with a person's inability to feel "creative" enough to sit down and write.
Also, I've discovered this sense of appraisal I desire from my readers. I really don't want to let y'all down with anything I write so unless I think it's going to be a good piece, I'd rather not post it. Silly, huh? Nonetheless, I've much to update you on. So stay tuned for the following posts! :D

The Warrior Inside

I find that if I'm having trouble figuring out my own heart, I let myself get carried away in poetry. 

The poem here, "The Warrior Inside" was written after a man I met asked about JAM and what we do. I told him about the vision of JAM: "To empower the youth in South Africa and make disciples who can make disciples."

I didn't even get the full sentence out of my mouth before he cut me off with a blunt: "It's never going to happen. This country will never change." This man was a Christian.

For those of you who don't know me well, I'm not an aggressive or angry person. ... But I can be. 

And as of late, I've had to ask Jesus again and again to soften my heart towards His bride. I'm not a "church" person; I never really have been. But I do care about the Church and if there is one thing that God has continually spoken into me as a message to His bride it's this: Wake up. 

Just the other night, I was sitting around a dinner table with my napkin in my lap and my placemat set like a cotillion.

Making "polite" conversation

when the dinosaur man across the table joined in

He heard what I did for living, spotted my plate and negated to keep his mouth shut.

"I don't mean to be negative, but I'm afraid honesty is key and honestly, this country will never change."

And I wish he hadn't done that.

I'm in ministry you see,

And I tried my best to force myself from getting angry because I

work to be the vessel in which redemption and revival overtake survival and demoralization.

And I looked at that man, 

saw his Santa belly and hypocrisy dangling around his neck in the form of a cross.

And I thought:

If the energy you use shoving food down your esophagus could be used helping overcome this world's troubles, maybe this country would change. 

And the terrible thing about what I do is I come across so many "Christians" who forget what to shoot for.

And the warrior inside wants to come alive and strive to destroy their tainted views.

My fists clench.

My Jaw tightens, 

These are the signs

that brought the warrior to life

Driven by rage, driven, but driving don't lead you nowhere, unless Love's behind the wheel.

So I shut up and keel over in my rage, begging the Lord to speak reason.

I can't tell you how many Jesus shaped prisons I've seen.

Big ones adorned with steeples and a high rising ceiling.

Loud ones with sounds and lights that give you headaches.

Quiet ones that elicit judgmental looks if I ever raised my hands in worship.

Small ones where everyone knows your name.

Ones with Santa bellies and cross necklaces

I've seen ones that look like people with the names of christ followers, but look a little deeper and they're all the same.

Prisons meant for the one who gave them their names.

Boxes designed to pack in what cannot be tamed.

And I get so mad that they try to claim him as their own.

I have a side conversation with Him in my head while I try to figure out how to answer this dinosaur man.

Jesus, how am I to have compassion for your people when they're trapped in their own steeples?

Jesus, how am I supposed to respond to the call when they keep falling and falling and falling?

Jesus, I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of hearing your name tossed around like watered down koolaid.

People kept adding their own mixture until the power of your identity and the reality of your character felt weak.

Jesus, if this is what it means to be a christian, I'd rather be a heathen.

I just want to be with you.

Nothing more, nothing fancy, nothing new.

Jesus, I look all around and see your people get it wrong again and again and again

And then I look within and see me get it wrong again and again and again,

But instead of feeling redemption, I get beaten over the head with stipulations and rules and things to fix and wounds to heal 

while all the while, the dinosaur man unravels my biggest fear 

THAT IT"S ALL FOR NOTHING!

I withdraw into the smallest and intimate part of my soul and hear the soft singing of my heart.

I sing to Him:

Just a little while longer and I'll see you. Just a little while longer and I'll know you. Just a little longer and we'll be together.

I know what it's for.

The warrior returns.

I contemplate the dino man's statement.

"This country will never change."

I swallowed my pride, looked him straight in the eye and said:

"And, Whose fault is that?"

What is love?

There's something about South Africa that I've never really quite experienced anywhere else. And, it could also just be a JAM thing. But I've never encountered a group of people who love so unconditionally and purely. It kind of takes me off guard. Like, I spend a lot of time and energy trying to puzzle out the "catch." 

I'm starting to realize there isn't one.

Being here, on this mountain with all of these people who just keep loving and keep loving to a point where it's almost too much, it's made me realize how cynical and hard I had become. How sad is it when I can't even fully give or receive love to the extent that Jesus had in mind for me?

But these people here, they take away every doubt I have about love.

You see, I kind of have this problem with love. In the past, I've really been burned by a rejection of love. I get attached, very attached, and I start doing things out of love, pure love. For instance, I write notes, I give compliments, I spend as much time as I can with each person I get attached to. I do tons of things for them, I go above and beyond for them, because my love for them I can't really do anything with except let it overflow. I don't know if any of you out there have that with people. And it's not really a romantic thing. I mean for that ONE person it can be. But love isn't always about romance.

Anyway, most of the people in my life who I have loved so sincerely like that, have turned around and spat it in my face. They ran from that; they were intimidated by a love that was willing and able to expose everything about them they couldn't cope with.

I don't know. Sometimes I think it is the human nature to turn away from everything that pursues you. 

Therefore, because of all this, I put guards up. I choose not to get attached to people. I find it's easier that way. I choose not to open up. I choose to keep people a safe distance away because I don't want to get attached, just to have that person tell me they don't want my love. And I choose not to receive love from people either. Because I don't want to wake up one day and all of a sudden the people who loved me most have up and decided I'm not worth the trouble. (which has happened). So I find it's best that I don't receive love either, that way I don't get accustomed to it and begin depending on it.

But here, you really can't escape their love.

Take Tessa. I wouldn't have realized it at first, but there are very few people I've ever met who has the ability to love me the way she does. Not only does she love me, but she caters it specifically for me, and what my needs are. It's in all the small things she does. Like the other night, when I was alone on this mountain, she texted me and asked if I was ok. And kept asking me if I wanted her to come get me. And, I don't know how she knew this, because I haven't been talking about it with anyone, but I've really been craving companionship with people outside of JAM. She somehow KNEW that that's what I needed, so she offered to take me to a youth thing for college kids at a local church every wednesday. AND, without me even asking her or talking about it with her, she had gathered from watching me that I don't always like meeting new people, so she offered to GO with me every week. She hates new people. But she wanted me to feel good about it. I'm constantly amazed at her love. And it's so behind the scenes too. 

And Ashley. Ashley just has this way that makes you feel so special. She pulls ME out of all the team and chooses to have coffee dates with me one on one. That time means the most to me. If you love me enough and think of me so highly that you're willing to spend one on one time with me, that goes a long way with me. And Ashley so genuinely wants to know about my life and cares what I say. I could talk for the next ten years straight and she wouldn't get tired of it. I don't always like to share my struggles or problems because I feel like people will get sick of listening to it, but Ashley continually reassures and PROVES that she isn't like that. In fact, she intentionally asks questions she KNOWS will illicit responses about struggles.

And Debi. Debi also just invests so much in me. She's always asking me how I'm doing, and I know it's not the shallow "how are you" question, but she really wants to know how I'm really doing. She also, has one on one coffee dates with me out of everyone on the team, and she wants to know my story. She continually showers me with compliments, and is the first to greet me whenever I walk in to a room. 

I could probably go on about everyone on my team, but that would just be way too long. The point is these people are crazy with their love. Sometimes it's hard not to rationalize it in my head like: "Do I keep sending off vibes that I'm not ok? Why is everyone being so nice to me?" 

But one thing they keep proving is that there aren't stipulations to love, not real love. It's not an "if, then" statement. IF you do this, THEN you get love. No. They just love me as I am. I like that. And it wasn't until I started experiencing it, that I realized I haven't really gotten it very many other places, not like this. 

I gotta say, it's so cool to have people around who I look up to SO much who also love me and think the world of me. :) Go Jesus. So yeah, that's what He's been teaching me about love.

I guess I'm a Body part.

I tend to process everything. Every little experience throughout the day, most of the time, I think about, reflect on, and then, think some more about it. My family always said I was a "wise soul." And the other day, I heard a paster talk about wisdom, how it comes from experience. I want to edit that just a bit. I think wisdom comes from EVALUATED experience. Which is why I believe I am a "wise soul" — because I evaluate EVERY experience.

Which is why it kind of caught me off guard this evening when Lisa was asking me questions about my time here that I hadn't yet asked myself. It's funny how God chose to use her in that way to reach conclusions that I had not thought of in my life. She probably would have been the most unlikely person in my head to extract that kind of reflection because I know her the least of all the girls, and often times, I am intimidated by what I don't know.

But I kind of got a better understanding of what I already guessed God was teaching me in this season. I can tell you now, it is a beautiful season, full of challenge, redemption, and renewal. And it comes with a defeat of pride.

So pretty much all my life, the Lord has been training me separately from the body. To be honest, I was quite turned off from Church and Christianity, but I had this relationship with Christ that I didn't even realize was a relationship with Christ. I could hear him talk to me. I could feel his presence before I really even knew relationships with Jesus existed. And He trained me in that. He trained me how to listen to him, how to prophesy, how to obey. All this time, He had been building our relationship separate from a christian community.

In my head, I kind of equate it to the Legend of Korra. When the avatar is discovered in their early stages of life, they are whisked away from the other children and taught the elements of fire, water, earth and air separately from everyone else. And then, when they are ready to lead and fill their role in history, the teachers and masters allow the avatar to re-enter society. (I know, I'm a nerd. If Brooke is reading this, she'll appreciate this part. And so will all the other Avatar: last airbender fanatics)

God kind of did that with me in a way. He taught me away from church, away from christians, away from the body, until I was ready to start my ministry. Guess what time it is in my life. Time to start my ministry. So, in this season, God is showing (forcing) me to re-enter the body. Or rather, acknowledge that I am part of the body. Instead of speaking to me directly, he's using other Christians to communicate with me so that I'm forced to include them on my walk with Jesus and learn how to receive from them.

I never really liked the idea of getting "filled up" by anyone but the father directly. Whenever I got re-energized in my faith, it was never because of a pastor's sermon, or a really good worship session; it was always because of a direct conversation I had had with the father. And now, He's teaching me how to allow people in the body of Christ to fill me up. It's really taking a number on my pride, because I don't like the idea of needing other people. I don't want God to use other people to communicate with me because that means I need them. And I don't want to learn how to go deep with people, because I can already go deep with God. But He's showing me, that if I want to start my ministry and have be successful, I have to learn how to be a part of the body. I have to learn how to go deep with people. I have to learn how to give AND to receive.

This is one of the most beautiful season's I've ever been in. But not one I was expecting.

Ask away.

It's kind of strange how God works sometimes.
I mean on some things I pray for, it literally takes MONTHS even years for me to see the result of God's action. Sometimes, I never see those prayers answered.
And then there are some prayers that literally get answered within a day.
That's been happening a ton lately! It's really quite exciting when you have so much assurance on the power of prayer. I feel like I could literally ask God for anything (with the right motives of course) and it would be given to me. I mean there's scripture that states that, but my prayers have never felt more powerful.
Just last night, I ended up opening up to two staff members on the team about the season of restoration God was taking me through, and their advice to me was basically to find a mentor/accountability partner.
Well yeah, I already knew that. But unfortunately my mentor and accountability partners are thousands of miles away. The two staff members encouraged me to find someone (a mentor or accountability partner) here in South Africa while I am here, and while I plan on doing that, I just silently begged God to do SOMETHING. You ever have those moments, when you try to puzzle out a solution on your own, come to the conclusion that there is no easy solution, so you revert to just asking God to do SOMETHING? Well, I didn't see a mentor here I could count on quite yet, and my own mentor and partners are miles away, so I really didn't have a solution for right now.
Yeah, the next morning, I got a message from my mentor asking if we could skype soon. God, that was literally less than a day. Why do you spoil me?
And if that wasn't cool enough (although it might not sound cool to anyone but me), I was having a conversation this afternoon with my roommate about some concerns I was having amongst the team. I kinda thought that people on my team had a misconception of where I was in my relationship with Jesus. As if they thought I was a shallow Christian, or a new one.
We were sharing prayer requests. My request was to reach a new level of honesty with God. And I got asked: So you're kind of starting a relationship with Jesus? Ouch. I've had a relationship with Jesus. I'm not starting one...
So Idk, I kind of had this lie in my head that all the people I look up to most on this team thought downwardly on me, as if I lack the experience I know I have or that I was "young."
But then, just this EVENING, one of the staff members asked me if I wanted to learn how to drive here. And she said once I learn I could use the JAM vehicles to go into town, or help drive to outreaches and ministry sites. Only staff members drive.
And in that gesture, Jesus settled a bunch of doubts about my teammates. And while I'm still working on it, I don't feel as much like I'm looked at as "young." Jesus, that was literally just a few hours you answered that one. What next? Tell me what to pray for and I will. Tell me what to ask for, Jesus, and I will ask.
I kind of feel like when I go through periods where I can physically see all of my prayers being answered that I should share that power with everyone else around me. It's that mentality of: I have power over this earth. Things I ask for are happening, and I know everyone has needs so if Jesus is answering mine when I ask, maybe He will also answer everyone else's if I ask.
It kind of makes me think. What else could I have received, or others around me could receive if I had only asked?

The Goat Team Climbs Lion's Head

Every aspect of being on a ministry team is exhausting, fluctuating, and exhilarating.
I mean every day seems to hold the full spectrum of human emotion and challenge.
Just today, the team was pushed emotionally, spiritually, and especially physically.
We decided to climb a mountain.
I mean why not right?
So after waking up at 7 am, grabbing breakfast, doing a book study on spiritual leadership (yeah that stuff is heavy) and hitting the road, we were at Lion's Head by 10.
There were six phases to this mountain.
1. This Incline Is So Steep I'm Walking Vertically
2. Staircase of Hell
3. I'm So Close to the Top I Can Taste It
4. I'm an Actual Explorer Because I'm Rock Climbing on Real Rocks
5. You Weren't Actually That Close Before
6. Oh Thank You Jesus, We Made It
The worst phase was definitely phase one. I thought I was going to die. The incline spirals around the base of the mountain so on the first stretch; I decided to RUN up it. Have you ever tried to run up a mountain? Yeah, It doesn't really work. I keeled over about 50 yards in. This was what they think is "team bonding." Yeah, maybe for a team of goats.
Actually though, I loved hiking that mountain. The cool part about it was A) we actually got to CLIMB instead of just hike and I felt like a legit explorer/adventure. I got a new nickname: Laura The Explorer. B) Every part of that mountain was metaphorical for our walk with Jesus.
As I walked up I thought about God's strength in His creation. That every muscle working to allow me to climb, my lungs that consistently filled me with air, my heart that I occasionally stopped to listen to the beat of, my feet that were just small enough to use the rocks as a grip, but big enough to give me a steady platform to jump — all of these things were by His design and by His strength they work.
I thought about each individual rock and how this MIGHTY mountain is really just made up of a huge pile of smaller rocks. It's kind of like the body of Christ. It's a HUGE spiritual mountain, but it's just made up of all of these small rocks — people.
And lastly, I thought about Jesus. How the last time He climbed a mountain, He was climbing to His death, and He KNEW that, yet He kept climbing. I thought our climb was hard. I can't imagine doing that while also carrying a cross AND my skin has been practically torn off from previous beatings while also hearing people spit insults at me from the sidelines. Sho God! How you continually amaze me the deeper I look into things.

The difference between short and long term missions.

It kind of hit me yesterday that there are two different mindsets that come with two different types of missions.
There's short short term missions. I've been on a few of those, one to Haiti, one to South Africa, one to Colorado I guess (but that one was more about the missions you can find along the way, rather than the missions you must do at your destination).
Then, there are long term missions. Ones like the one I am on now, where you stay in a place for over six months, living in the community, and discipling continuously.
Not that either mindset is better or worse than the other, but I never realized there was a difference until now.
It's kind of hard to explain until you've experienced both scenarios.
But when I went on all my short term missions, I poured out as much love as I could on each kid and person I came in contact with. We played together and sang together and worshiped and prayed, etc. I keep thinking of Haiti and our community there. Every day we went, we would take all the kids to the park and play ball with them or duck, duck, goose, or tag or something. It was a blast, until I realized how out of shape I was and continually had to stop and catch my breath while the Haitian kids just kept truckin. Needless to say, I always lost.
I mean, you get familiar with their faces and you might even remember their names. My kiddos of the week in Haiti were Macy, Nixon, Nicholas and June. It's been almost two months, and I still remember their names. They were the first to greet me every day and the ones I felt most connected with. But it's different.
Because on a short term mission you have the understanding that you won't probably see these kids again. You can go and have your fun, pour out, get emotional over their situation for awhile, pray for them for awhile, and then go home.
In long term missions, there's really nothing that glorious about it. Because you don't go home at the end of the day. You become a part of their story. You don't get emotional over there situation for a while. And you don't pray for them for a while. You fight for their freedom and pray for their protection CONSTANTLY.
Yesterday, we went to Sir Lowry's, which is a township about two hours away from our base. We go every Wednesday to do ministry there with the kids. At first, my mindset was exactly what it was in Haiti — go, play with the kids, love on them, maybe learn a name, go home.
See the big difference is you don't really care WHICH kid you love, they're all the same (at least that was my mind set). They all need love right?
But then, as the day went on, I watched the JAM staff members very closely. (I always watch them, because I always learn from them the most when they think no one is watching.)
I saw how Tessa would greet a few of them by name. She had a relationship with them it seemed. I watched Ashley especially, since kids ministry seems to be her calling or at least a gifting God has given her. She had kids I could TELL she was closer with than others. She knew their families and asked them for updates on things they had been previously talking about the weeks prior. She knew which ones would misbehave. She knew how to respond to this one when she does this, or that one when he does that.
And eventually, I began to see this as a MINISTRY and not a mission. It began to look a lot like discipleship I've seen happen at home actually.
And when I went home, all night, I couldn't get any sleep because I just kept picturing this little girl's face. I've no idea what her name was even. But from the moment I got there, she clung to me. She spotted me among the visitors, reached out her hand and I pretty much held it the whole time. She couldn't have been older than three but she was cute as a button in her bright lime green jacket and pink rainboots. She kept her hood up the whole time and would rarely smile, but when she did, it was so magnetic, she probably could have asked me anything and I would have given it to her.
And I mean, these kind of things happened in Haiti too, and in South Africa when I came last time. These kinds of things HAPPEN on short mission trips; I'm not saying they don't or discounting that.
But as I sat there, I realized, I will see her again. And the high schoolers at Cape Academy, and the teenagers at IY, I will see them again.
I think we have a tendency on short term missions to subconsciously categorize the people on those mission fields as something different than ourselves. How many times have I heard people say, "But in America," or "But in Haiti." We have this false pretense that kids here are different than us. I don't think we mean to, but we have this elitist attitude of "we are doing so much for them." When a team comes in and plays with a bunch of kids, we go home at the end of the day feeling so uplifted and proud of ourselves. I know I did. I left Haiti with the mindset of "Wow, thanks God for using me. Good work today!"
But here in a long term missions field, it's more about INVESTMENT. These kids aren't just faces and blips on my life timeline. And in order to feel proud of ourselves or of God, we actually have to see REAL lifechange. These kids are my investment of the kingdom. I have X amount of influence and X amount of love that I can give out before I need refilled. I invest that influence. I invest that love in those I think I can most push.
On a short term mission field, you love everyone. It doesn't matter who the kid is, you love on them. That's an awesome attitude to have, but it's different than now.
Now, in a long term mission field, you love one the way you WISH you could love everyone. Because the fact of the matter is, quantity is not going to save or even affect anyone. Quality is. When you have more time, it's a better tactic to pick a few kids, a few students who you KNOW God has sent to you and you KNOW you can disciple. Yes, we are called to love everyone equally, and I'm not saying that we don't. We do. JAM loves every kid they come in contact with. But I know that everyone on the team, everyone on the staff has certain kids, certain students that they spend more time with. They invest in them more than the others, not out of favoritism, but because God has brought them to us, and ultimately, if we want to impact a community, the best way to do that is to invest in those in the community who can make an impact.
So yeah, that's been God's lesson of the day yesterday.