The Warrior Inside

I find that if I'm having trouble figuring out my own heart, I let myself get carried away in poetry. 

The poem here, "The Warrior Inside" was written after a man I met asked about JAM and what we do. I told him about the vision of JAM: "To empower the youth in South Africa and make disciples who can make disciples."

I didn't even get the full sentence out of my mouth before he cut me off with a blunt: "It's never going to happen. This country will never change." This man was a Christian.

For those of you who don't know me well, I'm not an aggressive or angry person. ... But I can be. 

And as of late, I've had to ask Jesus again and again to soften my heart towards His bride. I'm not a "church" person; I never really have been. But I do care about the Church and if there is one thing that God has continually spoken into me as a message to His bride it's this: Wake up. 

Just the other night, I was sitting around a dinner table with my napkin in my lap and my placemat set like a cotillion.

Making "polite" conversation

when the dinosaur man across the table joined in

He heard what I did for living, spotted my plate and negated to keep his mouth shut.

"I don't mean to be negative, but I'm afraid honesty is key and honestly, this country will never change."

And I wish he hadn't done that.

I'm in ministry you see,

And I tried my best to force myself from getting angry because I

work to be the vessel in which redemption and revival overtake survival and demoralization.

And I looked at that man, 

saw his Santa belly and hypocrisy dangling around his neck in the form of a cross.

And I thought:

If the energy you use shoving food down your esophagus could be used helping overcome this world's troubles, maybe this country would change. 

And the terrible thing about what I do is I come across so many "Christians" who forget what to shoot for.

And the warrior inside wants to come alive and strive to destroy their tainted views.

My fists clench.

My Jaw tightens, 

These are the signs

that brought the warrior to life

Driven by rage, driven, but driving don't lead you nowhere, unless Love's behind the wheel.

So I shut up and keel over in my rage, begging the Lord to speak reason.

I can't tell you how many Jesus shaped prisons I've seen.

Big ones adorned with steeples and a high rising ceiling.

Loud ones with sounds and lights that give you headaches.

Quiet ones that elicit judgmental looks if I ever raised my hands in worship.

Small ones where everyone knows your name.

Ones with Santa bellies and cross necklaces

I've seen ones that look like people with the names of christ followers, but look a little deeper and they're all the same.

Prisons meant for the one who gave them their names.

Boxes designed to pack in what cannot be tamed.

And I get so mad that they try to claim him as their own.

I have a side conversation with Him in my head while I try to figure out how to answer this dinosaur man.

Jesus, how am I to have compassion for your people when they're trapped in their own steeples?

Jesus, how am I supposed to respond to the call when they keep falling and falling and falling?

Jesus, I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of hearing your name tossed around like watered down koolaid.

People kept adding their own mixture until the power of your identity and the reality of your character felt weak.

Jesus, if this is what it means to be a christian, I'd rather be a heathen.

I just want to be with you.

Nothing more, nothing fancy, nothing new.

Jesus, I look all around and see your people get it wrong again and again and again

And then I look within and see me get it wrong again and again and again,

But instead of feeling redemption, I get beaten over the head with stipulations and rules and things to fix and wounds to heal 

while all the while, the dinosaur man unravels my biggest fear 

THAT IT"S ALL FOR NOTHING!

I withdraw into the smallest and intimate part of my soul and hear the soft singing of my heart.

I sing to Him:

Just a little while longer and I'll see you. Just a little while longer and I'll know you. Just a little longer and we'll be together.

I know what it's for.

The warrior returns.

I contemplate the dino man's statement.

"This country will never change."

I swallowed my pride, looked him straight in the eye and said:

"And, Whose fault is that?"

What is love?

There's something about South Africa that I've never really quite experienced anywhere else. And, it could also just be a JAM thing. But I've never encountered a group of people who love so unconditionally and purely. It kind of takes me off guard. Like, I spend a lot of time and energy trying to puzzle out the "catch." 

I'm starting to realize there isn't one.

Being here, on this mountain with all of these people who just keep loving and keep loving to a point where it's almost too much, it's made me realize how cynical and hard I had become. How sad is it when I can't even fully give or receive love to the extent that Jesus had in mind for me?

But these people here, they take away every doubt I have about love.

You see, I kind of have this problem with love. In the past, I've really been burned by a rejection of love. I get attached, very attached, and I start doing things out of love, pure love. For instance, I write notes, I give compliments, I spend as much time as I can with each person I get attached to. I do tons of things for them, I go above and beyond for them, because my love for them I can't really do anything with except let it overflow. I don't know if any of you out there have that with people. And it's not really a romantic thing. I mean for that ONE person it can be. But love isn't always about romance.

Anyway, most of the people in my life who I have loved so sincerely like that, have turned around and spat it in my face. They ran from that; they were intimidated by a love that was willing and able to expose everything about them they couldn't cope with.

I don't know. Sometimes I think it is the human nature to turn away from everything that pursues you. 

Therefore, because of all this, I put guards up. I choose not to get attached to people. I find it's easier that way. I choose not to open up. I choose to keep people a safe distance away because I don't want to get attached, just to have that person tell me they don't want my love. And I choose not to receive love from people either. Because I don't want to wake up one day and all of a sudden the people who loved me most have up and decided I'm not worth the trouble. (which has happened). So I find it's best that I don't receive love either, that way I don't get accustomed to it and begin depending on it.

But here, you really can't escape their love.

Take Tessa. I wouldn't have realized it at first, but there are very few people I've ever met who has the ability to love me the way she does. Not only does she love me, but she caters it specifically for me, and what my needs are. It's in all the small things she does. Like the other night, when I was alone on this mountain, she texted me and asked if I was ok. And kept asking me if I wanted her to come get me. And, I don't know how she knew this, because I haven't been talking about it with anyone, but I've really been craving companionship with people outside of JAM. She somehow KNEW that that's what I needed, so she offered to take me to a youth thing for college kids at a local church every wednesday. AND, without me even asking her or talking about it with her, she had gathered from watching me that I don't always like meeting new people, so she offered to GO with me every week. She hates new people. But she wanted me to feel good about it. I'm constantly amazed at her love. And it's so behind the scenes too. 

And Ashley. Ashley just has this way that makes you feel so special. She pulls ME out of all the team and chooses to have coffee dates with me one on one. That time means the most to me. If you love me enough and think of me so highly that you're willing to spend one on one time with me, that goes a long way with me. And Ashley so genuinely wants to know about my life and cares what I say. I could talk for the next ten years straight and she wouldn't get tired of it. I don't always like to share my struggles or problems because I feel like people will get sick of listening to it, but Ashley continually reassures and PROVES that she isn't like that. In fact, she intentionally asks questions she KNOWS will illicit responses about struggles.

And Debi. Debi also just invests so much in me. She's always asking me how I'm doing, and I know it's not the shallow "how are you" question, but she really wants to know how I'm really doing. She also, has one on one coffee dates with me out of everyone on the team, and she wants to know my story. She continually showers me with compliments, and is the first to greet me whenever I walk in to a room. 

I could probably go on about everyone on my team, but that would just be way too long. The point is these people are crazy with their love. Sometimes it's hard not to rationalize it in my head like: "Do I keep sending off vibes that I'm not ok? Why is everyone being so nice to me?" 

But one thing they keep proving is that there aren't stipulations to love, not real love. It's not an "if, then" statement. IF you do this, THEN you get love. No. They just love me as I am. I like that. And it wasn't until I started experiencing it, that I realized I haven't really gotten it very many other places, not like this. 

I gotta say, it's so cool to have people around who I look up to SO much who also love me and think the world of me. :) Go Jesus. So yeah, that's what He's been teaching me about love.

I guess I'm a Body part.

I tend to process everything. Every little experience throughout the day, most of the time, I think about, reflect on, and then, think some more about it. My family always said I was a "wise soul." And the other day, I heard a paster talk about wisdom, how it comes from experience. I want to edit that just a bit. I think wisdom comes from EVALUATED experience. Which is why I believe I am a "wise soul" — because I evaluate EVERY experience.

Which is why it kind of caught me off guard this evening when Lisa was asking me questions about my time here that I hadn't yet asked myself. It's funny how God chose to use her in that way to reach conclusions that I had not thought of in my life. She probably would have been the most unlikely person in my head to extract that kind of reflection because I know her the least of all the girls, and often times, I am intimidated by what I don't know.

But I kind of got a better understanding of what I already guessed God was teaching me in this season. I can tell you now, it is a beautiful season, full of challenge, redemption, and renewal. And it comes with a defeat of pride.

So pretty much all my life, the Lord has been training me separately from the body. To be honest, I was quite turned off from Church and Christianity, but I had this relationship with Christ that I didn't even realize was a relationship with Christ. I could hear him talk to me. I could feel his presence before I really even knew relationships with Jesus existed. And He trained me in that. He trained me how to listen to him, how to prophesy, how to obey. All this time, He had been building our relationship separate from a christian community.

In my head, I kind of equate it to the Legend of Korra. When the avatar is discovered in their early stages of life, they are whisked away from the other children and taught the elements of fire, water, earth and air separately from everyone else. And then, when they are ready to lead and fill their role in history, the teachers and masters allow the avatar to re-enter society. (I know, I'm a nerd. If Brooke is reading this, she'll appreciate this part. And so will all the other Avatar: last airbender fanatics)

God kind of did that with me in a way. He taught me away from church, away from christians, away from the body, until I was ready to start my ministry. Guess what time it is in my life. Time to start my ministry. So, in this season, God is showing (forcing) me to re-enter the body. Or rather, acknowledge that I am part of the body. Instead of speaking to me directly, he's using other Christians to communicate with me so that I'm forced to include them on my walk with Jesus and learn how to receive from them.

I never really liked the idea of getting "filled up" by anyone but the father directly. Whenever I got re-energized in my faith, it was never because of a pastor's sermon, or a really good worship session; it was always because of a direct conversation I had had with the father. And now, He's teaching me how to allow people in the body of Christ to fill me up. It's really taking a number on my pride, because I don't like the idea of needing other people. I don't want God to use other people to communicate with me because that means I need them. And I don't want to learn how to go deep with people, because I can already go deep with God. But He's showing me, that if I want to start my ministry and have be successful, I have to learn how to be a part of the body. I have to learn how to go deep with people. I have to learn how to give AND to receive.

This is one of the most beautiful season's I've ever been in. But not one I was expecting.