There's something about South Africa that I've never really quite experienced anywhere else. And, it could also just be a JAM thing. But I've never encountered a group of people who love so unconditionally and purely. It kind of takes me off guard. Like, I spend a lot of time and energy trying to puzzle out the "catch."
I'm starting to realize there isn't one.
Being here, on this mountain with all of these people who just keep loving and keep loving to a point where it's almost too much, it's made me realize how cynical and hard I had become. How sad is it when I can't even fully give or receive love to the extent that Jesus had in mind for me?
But these people here, they take away every doubt I have about love.
You see, I kind of have this problem with love. In the past, I've really been burned by a rejection of love. I get attached, very attached, and I start doing things out of love, pure love. For instance, I write notes, I give compliments, I spend as much time as I can with each person I get attached to. I do tons of things for them, I go above and beyond for them, because my love for them I can't really do anything with except let it overflow. I don't know if any of you out there have that with people. And it's not really a romantic thing. I mean for that ONE person it can be. But love isn't always about romance.
Anyway, most of the people in my life who I have loved so sincerely like that, have turned around and spat it in my face. They ran from that; they were intimidated by a love that was willing and able to expose everything about them they couldn't cope with.
I don't know. Sometimes I think it is the human nature to turn away from everything that pursues you.
Therefore, because of all this, I put guards up. I choose not to get attached to people. I find it's easier that way. I choose not to open up. I choose to keep people a safe distance away because I don't want to get attached, just to have that person tell me they don't want my love. And I choose not to receive love from people either. Because I don't want to wake up one day and all of a sudden the people who loved me most have up and decided I'm not worth the trouble. (which has happened). So I find it's best that I don't receive love either, that way I don't get accustomed to it and begin depending on it.
But here, you really can't escape their love.
Take Tessa. I wouldn't have realized it at first, but there are very few people I've ever met who has the ability to love me the way she does. Not only does she love me, but she caters it specifically for me, and what my needs are. It's in all the small things she does. Like the other night, when I was alone on this mountain, she texted me and asked if I was ok. And kept asking me if I wanted her to come get me. And, I don't know how she knew this, because I haven't been talking about it with anyone, but I've really been craving companionship with people outside of JAM. She somehow KNEW that that's what I needed, so she offered to take me to a youth thing for college kids at a local church every wednesday. AND, without me even asking her or talking about it with her, she had gathered from watching me that I don't always like meeting new people, so she offered to GO with me every week. She hates new people. But she wanted me to feel good about it. I'm constantly amazed at her love. And it's so behind the scenes too.
And Ashley. Ashley just has this way that makes you feel so special. She pulls ME out of all the team and chooses to have coffee dates with me one on one. That time means the most to me. If you love me enough and think of me so highly that you're willing to spend one on one time with me, that goes a long way with me. And Ashley so genuinely wants to know about my life and cares what I say. I could talk for the next ten years straight and she wouldn't get tired of it. I don't always like to share my struggles or problems because I feel like people will get sick of listening to it, but Ashley continually reassures and PROVES that she isn't like that. In fact, she intentionally asks questions she KNOWS will illicit responses about struggles.
And Debi. Debi also just invests so much in me. She's always asking me how I'm doing, and I know it's not the shallow "how are you" question, but she really wants to know how I'm really doing. She also, has one on one coffee dates with me out of everyone on the team, and she wants to know my story. She continually showers me with compliments, and is the first to greet me whenever I walk in to a room.
I could probably go on about everyone on my team, but that would just be way too long. The point is these people are crazy with their love. Sometimes it's hard not to rationalize it in my head like: "Do I keep sending off vibes that I'm not ok? Why is everyone being so nice to me?"
But one thing they keep proving is that there aren't stipulations to love, not real love. It's not an "if, then" statement. IF you do this, THEN you get love. No. They just love me as I am. I like that. And it wasn't until I started experiencing it, that I realized I haven't really gotten it very many other places, not like this.
I gotta say, it's so cool to have people around who I look up to SO much who also love me and think the world of me. :) Go Jesus. So yeah, that's what He's been teaching me about love.
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