Sis P

Meet Patience:

1. She can talk. The first time I met her she talked to me for about an hour straight all about her life, the grace of Jesus, her family. She has a way of drawing you in, making you believe you are completely at home in her presence.

2. She’s got the cutest roundest cheeks you’ve ever seen. And when she smiles, it’s the sort of smile that reaches a persons eyes, and you can tell, you can just tell that the soul behind that smile is rejoicing.

3. She had a daughter who she mothered better than most moms I’ve ever met. And the way her face lit up when she told funny stories of that child was so special.

4. She often marches to the beat of her own drum. But she doesn't care.

5. She loves Jesus. And sho, did He lavish His joy upon her. I always can just picture Sis P dancing with Him, the kind of dancing that is just your body reflecting on whats going on in your heart — freedom. She's dancing with Jesus now. For eternity.

6. She loves to tell stories.

7. She's got this ginormous fighting spirit for such a little person. Life continued to push her around, but every time she'd push back. I've never seen someone with so much will, stubborn at times, but she always refused to stop trying even when situations grew dim. And she never stopped seeking the Lords good, perfect and pleasing will. 

8. She's never afraid to be vulnerable. I saw her cry many times, but she makes it easy for me to see how God can work through brokenness. She teaches me that God doesn't really want perfect people, and when we cry, when we break before Him, His lights speak through that. She's always teaching me.

9. She loves to sing.

10. Patience died May 19, the day before Easter, giving birth to a beautiful little baby. This easter, as we celebrated the victory that is in Jesus, I could help but dance for Sis P, because I was just constantly reminded that Sis P is up there dancing with Him. She gets to spend eternity with Jesus. And what a better ending to the story that anything I could imagine.

If you wanna be a missionary, you better think of the basics.

Here's something they don't tell you when you go to be a missionary. Well, at least they never told me. Maybe they did and I just never took it seriously, but anyway.
Make friends as quick as you can.
Up and moving to a different country to do whatever warm fuzzies God's asking you to do comes at a very serious price that I didn't quite start to realize until I got several months in. It's flippin' lonely. If you don't get out of your comfort zone fast that is.
Being in ministry at a place like this, you work with the same people you live with, which are also the people you bible study with, and eat with and minister with and do well, pretty much everything with.
That's unhealthy.
You wanna keep sane in this line of work, you need to make your first priority to make friends with people in the community that you are close to. And fast.
When you choose to move like this, you pretty much leave behind all of your deep and meaningful relationships and let me tell you, that's a hard thing to adjust to not having.
So the trick is, before you do anything, make sure you have somewhere or rather someone to go to outside of your ministry for when things start getting hard, you want to get away, or you just want to go have some fun with.
But the second part of all of this is, friends don't really come to you. You can't go out and "find" friends. It's not like a where's waldo kind of thing where you stand amongst a bunch of people and say: "There! I spotted one! A friend!" You're not hunting for special game.
You have to MAKE friends. Which means, although I hate leaving home, I hate talking to new people, and I HATE that uncomfortable "first date" with friends. You know, that moment when one of you finally says: "Do you wanna hang out? Go get a coffee or something?" And you have NO idea if the conversation will be awkward, if you'll even have things to talk about. What if they think I'm a really uncomfortable person and they decide they don't want to be friends with me, and that door completely shuts.
All I can say is, it's worth the risk. Making friends is not an easy business, at least not for me. But it's necessary and worth it.

I get naked!

We were born naked. We should probably do our best to stay that way.

I'm not talking about going crazy, stripping to our panties and boxers and streaking through the streets. That would be insane. And uncomfortable. And hard to explain to my parents. I'm talking about when you completely strip yourself before God and others and leave yourself vulnerable for whatever judgments, affirmations, rejections and opinions that may come. 

We started reading this book. It's called "In the Name of Jesus" by Henri J.M. Nouwen.

Let me just tell you, holy shit. That book is throwing me for a loop.

It's really forcing me to see that I am consumed and dictated by wanting to feel relevant, important, loved. I want credit where credit is due. I want to be recognized. I want to be successful.

I mean think about it. How many of you out there can honestly say that if you work your ass off for something, and then a coworker you hate gets all the credit for it, you wouldn't be just a little bit pissed. 

That didn't happen to me. I'm just saying, this book (and the bible for that matter) teaches us that we should work our butts off, doing everything we can for Him and the kingdom and NEVER care who gets the credit. Crazy stuff right?

The book says:

"I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self."

Wow really? 

I got some work to do in my character. 

I mean I'm discovering that when I feel insecure I tend to hang on to accomplishments and skills. 

Like when I run into an old rival who is now super successful, I tend to comfort my mind by saying things like: "It's not that big of a deal. You're still saving the world in Africa." or "You're an amazing writer; they surely can't compare with you in that." 

It's ridiculous friends! Truly ridiculous! I'm ridiculous. I probably am not really that pompous when I talk to myself but I needed a good example. But seriously, the bible teaches us that all of our security, our anchor is in Jesus. It also teaches us that we are completely incompetent! Like 1 Corinthians 1 says:

"Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong ... Therefore, let the one who boasts, boast in the lord."

I hate admitting that I'm really not competent in anything. I hate giving up my competitive edge and desire to be the best, to earn the best, and to be loved more than the rest. I want to look impressive. Always.

But the one whom Jesus loves and favors is the one who is completely ok with never getting noticed.

I mean, when it comes down to it, it's just going to be you and Him up there right? 

I'm working on it. I'm working on trying to be completely selfless in everything I do. I'm working on not being jealous of my teammates when they get attention or do something better than me. I'm working on being irrelevant. I'm working on being naked before God and others.

The JAM story

So recently, as of the beginning of this year, I've been assigned the task on staff to be sort of like the media person. I maintain the website, put together the newsletter content and in the past few weeks have done a lot of work kickstarting this new project. It's called the Jam Story. I'll explain just now below the "theme copy" of the whole project, but I really just wanted to create a way for everyone associated in JAM to 1. be connected and 2. feel important. I think this project hits on both. You can watch the actual kick off video on the JAM website: www.jamafrica.org.za

Here’s to the pick N Pay baggers.

Here’s to the 7-year-old shoeless Transkei child with the brightest smile you’ve ever seen.

Here’s to the business men who kiss their wife goodbye every morning and go keep the economy turning.

Here’s to the longstreet night-goers and the Sunday morning worshipers.

To the tourists, the surfers and the skateboarders.

To the single mothers of five, doing all they can to keep their families afloat.

Here’s to all the young people, the old people, the in between people, the smokers and drinkers and the “I’ve never stepped my foot out of line” do gooders.

Here’s to you, whoever you are.

All these people are part of JAM’s story. Because JAM’s story is Jesus’ story. And you my friend play a role in it.

“The Cross of Jesus for the Cross of Arica.” That’s our story. And every chapter is just a reiteration of that theme. Whether you are aware or not, you are a character in this tale.

Jesus’ cross isn’t just for the African children in the rural communities who don’t get enough food or don’t have shoes on their feet. It’s not just for the middle class white woman who has everything she’ll ever need but it’s still not quite what she wants.

Jesus’ cross is for everyone.

So I implore you to jump in and start noticing that everyone’s life is just telling the same story yours is. A story that begins and ends with love and redemption.

We as JAM are starting a project that will reiterate everything we’re saying now. 

Through bracelets that say “JamStory” or by the multiple media feeds with “#JamStory” attached, we hope it will be a reminder to you that you are a part of the story of the “Cross of Jesus for the Cross of Africa.”

Every time you see a picture or a post with either a bracelet in it, or a “#JamStory” you’ll remember just how very connected we all are. I encourage you to add your own chapters to the story by posting to facebook, instagram or twitter and adding #JamStory at the end.

So come on. Join in. Start telling your story.

KiKi

It wasn't until after I left that I discovered just how much I love my sister. 

I mean I've always known that. I've always had this deep understanding that we were life partners. It's a relationship that's hard to put in words or explain to others because it belongs so much to the two of us, that no one else can really have any ownership in it, even in its concept. 

But any who, we were never really the sisters to sit up in to the late hours of the night telling our deepest darkest secrets and talking about boys and stuff.

We had a number of conversations that were very deep and vulnerable, but it wasn't a once a week occurrence. But now, since I've been away, I've really developed this understanding of how much I want to develop that side of our relationship and also, just how much her presence meant to me. 

Having an absence of it has left me ravenously thirsty for it. I can't wait till she comes next month.

So many times in the past month when JAM was just getting to be too much for me, or the work was getting overwhelming or the people were getting on my last nerves, or I just needed a good cry, I would message her. I've been really blown away with how God has allowed our relationship to grow even deeper once I started opening a new door into it. 

I've always had friends, so often in the past, I've overlooked my sister when it came to talking to her about frustrations, boys, future, struggles. I mean sometimes I would, like I said, but in the past, I'd always go to my friends for that stuff.

But now, here, to be honest, I don't really have friends. That's not really a luxury you get when you up and move to a new country, barely know anyone, and travel all the time. But, in that, I've begun to turn to Kristyn for the things I would have normally turned to a friend for. And man! I wish I would have done that years ago!!

I love my sister. 

Her wisdom really awes me sometimes. And her loyalty and friendship and incomparable. I'm never too much. And I never melt down "too often" for her. But every time she welcomes my emotional self with open arms and a good joke. :) 

I don't know what your siblings are like but my Kiki probably blows them out of the water. 

I learn how to sucker punch

I know it's been awhile. 

I'm real sorry about that.

God's been really busy in me lately. Some days I feel like I'm going to walk to the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at me. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I started which is somewhat of a bummer because I like that person. But the identity God is forming in me is hopefully going to be a better version. 

I'm currently learning how to shut up. I don't know if any of you out there can relate but when I'm in a conversation, I can't help but sometimes just spew a fact or a story that I find interesting or entertaining without thinking about whether or not I ACTUALLY need to share it or not. It's like fact vomit. I can feel it coming up but it's already out before I smell the consequences. 

People just get sick of know it alls. Plus, the spirit doesn't want you to share everything that comes up in your thoughts. 

I've been realizing lately how much greater it would be to be that person that only talks when necessary but when they do talk: BOOM! You get sucker punched with wisdom. 

I'd much rather be that person, don't you think?

Bliss

Let me just paint a picture of my life right now.
It's 8 o'clock in the morning.
The sun has been out since 6, but in a beautiful subtle way. In a way that suggests it's lightly tapping you awake, saying "come out and dance with me." rays of light try to sneak their way into my room around the curtains.
I'm sitting on my bed writing this post. To my left, is the hall, where I can here the melodies of soft worship songs streaming from a guitar. The voices singing, slowly and collectively, grow louder, then softer, then louder again, and there is a peaceful content-ness to it that is simply one of those feelings you can't quite describe right in words. Almost like the feeling you get driving by yourself with the windows down on a summer day when you got nothin' to worry about.
To my right, my suite mate is showering and getting ready for the day, but she has her iPod on and is boldly singing to a beautiful black gospel choir.
And behind all this noise is the soft and cheery sound of birds chirping.
Not a bad morning to be on the mountain if you ask me. :)

Passion

Let me just be very frank for a second.
The life I've chosen to live can sometimes suck. Majorly.
Every time I get on Facebook or get a letter in the mail, I get to hear about how awesome University is and I get to read about all the experiences I've wanted since I was 12.
I never see my family. When they drop me off at the airport each time I fly back to South Africa, I stare at them through the other side of the terminal window for a few moments, sizing them up and praying that I can remember their faces as clearly as if they were always behind some distance transcending window. If I'm being honest, I forget. I forget the slate grey color of my fathers beard or the way my sister burrows her eyebrows and sticks out her tongue when she concentrates. I start to replace the details with only fractions of them, as if changing from HD TV to regular. It just gets a little fuzzy.
I get lonely. Living on the mountain allows me to live in tremendous beauty at all times, but it sometimes feels as though I'm locked on an island because there are limits to when and how often you can come and leave the mountain. They are not limits set by JAM, but ones I inflict on myself. I could always walk down the mountain,  but even then, who would I see? I know very few people in Cape Town and even fewer are within walking distance.
And then there's the simple fact of never really knowing where you're going. In university, you get chances to take classes and test where it is you want your life to be heading. If you don't like your major, scrap it and pick another. There are endless possibilities. But at least in this phase of my life, I have no clue where I'm going or what I'm doing. Will I just be in ministry for forever or not?
And lastly, there's an aspect of alone-ness that comes with simply doing something no one else is doing. It gets really frustrating when no one your age or really no one from your world understands what it is to live in another world. Coming home for this past 6 weeks has been such a blessing don't get me wrong, but I had this impossible expectation for the people I love to understand what it is to be in the situation I'm in. To know all the questions to ask and feel all the things that I have felt. But that is not even possible. You cannot expect a bird to understand what it is to swim.
So all these things and more I have been wresting with for several weeks now. I've been trying to decide what the next step for me is after JAM. I've been losing my passion and direction for what we do in JAM and even in missions in general. I thought I was starting to lose interest in missions entirely.
And then Passion happened.
Passion is a HUGE christian conference for people ages 18-25. I went this year with a vanful of some really good friends of mine. The speakers were all great and enlightening and the worship was very powerful. But the one thing that touched me the most was a prayer time at the very end of the conference.
It was hardly a main event of the conference but a few hours before it ended on Saturday night, Louie Giglio, the founder and main speaker, first asked everyone to stand in the stadium who wanted to accept Jesus into their hearts right now. The amount of people that stood was actually uncomfortably low, but no matter, Jesus is doing what He is doing and I rejoice in the handful that did.
But then, Louie asked everyone in the stadium to stand up if they felt a call to the nations, aka, overseas missions. I have been praying for a few weeks now for the nations. It has been burned in my heart a brokenness for all the people in the world who do not know Jesus, especially the ones who do not even have the opportunity to because of political or religious oppression. Even within South Africa, a country who can freely have the Word and love Jesus without having to worry about jail or death, my heart still breaks for that country. Whenever our JAM van pulls up in a community for kids ministry or something, they come RUNNING to it. I don't know the individual stories of each kid, but when we come, we give them love, we show them the love of Jesus, and I just don't know that they get to experience that very many other places. Jesus gives them a hope they cannot know from what their world teaches them. Most of our kids and adolescents are growing up in a world of 25% unemployment. That's one out of every four people without a job. Very few of them will leave the town they grew up in and even fewer will leave the country. Most of them will grow up to be a part of a gang, or perhaps they'll die of aids very young.
My heart breaks for the nations. And I pray even though the workload is great and the laborers few, that God would send our generation as the hands and feet for Him. Every person, I believe has those couple of things they pray for as vigorously as they pray for self-centered things. If I think about it, I spend an awful lot of time praying for things in my life, internal struggles, or even friends, but praying for the nations is one of those things God has given me a broken heart for and I pray just as strongly for that as I do for myself.
Anyway, during Passion, Louie asked everyone in the stadium to stand up if they felt a call to the nations. Hundreds of students stood. Hundreds of 18-25 year olds have already been marked as ambassadors to the nations and I just started crying in my seat. I mean really crying.
I have seen very few things as beautiful as that. And all at once I got an overwhelming conviction that loving the nations is and always will be my calling. I have never been more passionate about the world and about missions. And I am overjoyed to be heading back to my brothers and sisters in South Africa tomorrow.
It's a sad and awesome thing to know that your home is changing and your world is changing.
So many times during the previous 5 months, all I wanted was to go home. And now, I've been home for 6 weeks and for the past 5 weeks, again, all I wanted was to go home. Only, I finally have realized, I'm going home tomorrow.