The shortest blog post ever.

Xandra left. It sucked. Jesus healed. I'm better.

Why "See Jane Run" was worth it.

Sometimes, we really take for granted what others have worked so hard for us to achieve. 

We had a camp this weekend with the IY girls (for those of you who aren't up to date, IY is a community we work with weekly). The focus was 2 things:

1. Use what you have. God has given you SOMETHING. Use it to glorify Him.
2. The self discovery bible study process which is a way to conduct a bible study that will eventually replicate into more study groups. 

We really wanted the girls to encounter Jesus and to start developing skills and a desire to pursue their relationship with Him long after the camp.

Some of the girls who attended the camp were girls we've been working with for years, so they have an understanding of who God is and what it takes to be a disciple. For those girls, we really wanted to empower them to start taking on a leadership role in their communities and to start actually making disciples of their own.

For the rest of the girls at the camp, they seemed fairly new at their walks with God if any existed at all, so for them, we really just wanted them to be able to experience Him and to continue that relationship afterwards.

Most of the gals at the camp were between grades 7-9 and if any of you out there has ever worked with junior high students, it's not always easy. 

There were so many moments where we would be in a session or a group setting and none of them would talk, or they would say something ridiculous as a sign of attention deficit. 

But these girls all had a really genuine heart and we got to see amazing breakthroughs throughout the weekend. Walls came down. The Spirit exploded. Tears were shed. 

But as we were doing bible studies with them, I was getting a little frustrated at the lack of participation. As our team debriefed later on, I came to realize why that was. These girls couldn't read and comprehend. As we read passages, they would look blankly at us as we asked them questions about the passage. They could all read aloud well, but they couldn't comprehend what they were reading, to them it was just a matter of if they could actually pronounce and read the words on the page. 

I kept thinking back to the third or fourth grade when our teachers would make us test on reading comprehension. We'd have to read some boring passage or a book or a poem or something, and then we'd have to answer questions based on what we read.

One of my teammates who has lived here for years said during our debrief that most of these girls might not have that skill. They might not be able to read something and then answer questions about it because they don't have good reading comprehension skills.

It would have NEVER crossed my mind that that could be why the girls were so intimidated by reading the bible. 

It's amazing what we take for granted. Being able to read the bible and understand is truly a gift. Even if you don't really understand everything it says, if you can at least retell the general basis of a parable or chronologically recount your favorite story, you are truly blessed. If you can read the words and know where the sentence starts and ends, you are blessed. If you even HAVE a bible, you are blessed.

As we prepare to do an underground church service this month, our team is reading about all kinds of persecuted christians all over the world and it's amazing how many places the bible is banned. If it is caught in your possession, that is worthy of death. 

And as I thought about the fact that for some of these girls, reading and comprehending the bible on their own isn't always an easy realty (attainable, but not easy), it means that real tangible encounters with Jesus are so necessary. God WILL reach and pursue His children. Most of those girls had an INSANE prayer life because that's what they have. They don't always have bibles on hand, and they can't always understand it when they do. But they have Jesus, and they have prayer, and they have gifts and they USE them.

I never thought I'd say this, but, thank you Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Best for making me read those silly "See Jane Run" chapter books and then testing me on it. Thank you every English teacher since that has been testing me on my ability to process words.

And thank you Jesus for pursuing us.

Dreams. Watcha gonna do about em?

Now for a rather serious post.
There's something God has really been working in my heart for a while now.
You know when you're little and even when you're old I suppose, people will always tell you to never stop chasing your dream.
"Don't give up," they say.
"Life isn't worth anything if you don't have a dream," they say.
It might even be more so in my household because I grew up in a house that loved Disney and Walt Disney's biggest platform was that a dream was always worth chasing no matter how long it took, how much you had to sacrifice or how hard you have to work for it.
On the surface, it's all a nice notion, but God has really been teaching me how very wrong that idea is.
I have a lot of dreams. I'm a dreamer. I've gone through so many passionate phases of dreaming of owning a cake bakery, or being a photographer for National Geographic (before they went entirely to freelance), being a poet or a writer or you name it. But the newest dream and the longest lasting was I wanted to be a writer.
I feel like I've wanted to do that for so long and to help me get there, I wanted and dreamed and wished to go to this school in Chicago called Columbia College Chicago where I could major in literature and creative writing. As a part of their program, as a junior and senior in college I could work on my own book and my senior year, the school would publish it for me. The professors are still currently working in the writing field and could have taught me how to make writing into a career. I could have found a place in the city and take a train back home whenever I felt like I needed to visit my family. It was never too far away. It was a splendid dream. And one very attainable.
I wanted to study/minor in film and possible become a documentary filmmaker as well, traveling around the world documenting what god was doing in it. Kind of like the Furious Love, Finger of God, and Father of Light guy.
But the longer I'm here in South Africa, and the more stories I hear of how God has His own plans in peoples lives, the more I come to realize that I might never see any of my dreams come to pass. And the crazy part is, I've got to learn to surrender that.
The minute I said yes to Jesus, and every day since, I've had to wake up and "die to myself" and that includes let my dreams die. Because anything I could dream for myself is way less fulfilling than what God could dream for me.
Sometimes it can be a little hard hearing from all my friends back home either through snail mail or Facebook or instagram or whatever because most of them are freshman in college and I hear about all of these things I've always dreamed of having. I hear about the dorms and the classes and the food and the people and the freedom and just the college life. I think about the fact that perhaps that will NEVER be in God's plan for me. Perhaps I will never go to college. And that literally breaks my heart.
I think about the fact that perhaps I will never be a writer. Maybe I will never be a film maker. Maybe I will never live in Chicago or have my little puppies or a flat in the city or husband with a child. I've no idea.
I think about all these things I've dreamed of, all these dreams I would give anything to achieve. My heart breaks at the thought that my dreams might never happen. But there's a quiet resolution that I must just surrender them to God. Because sometimes our dreams can hold us back from the fullness of His plan.
I always thought dreams were such a great thing. They gave purpose to life, a goal and something to strive for. But then again, when I chose Jesus, I chose Him as my purpose in live, the Father as my goal, and eternity as something to strive for.
As much as I don't want to and as hard as it is, I must learn to be content with the prospect of a dream dying. I must learn to content with the possibility that they might never happen. But I must understand that God will give me a new dream that matches His plan if they don't now.
Yeah, a dream might be a wish your heart makes, but isn't your heart deceitful?

Bullet point memory week two of outreach

Ok, so the whole previous post was JUST week one of this amazing outreach, so as an infomercial would say: BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! And here is week two's things I want to remember.

Background: For week two, while we were in the Koue Bokkeveld, we stayed in this church that had an adjacent kitchen and gym/auditorium/stage/hall kind of area. We did kids ministry in the mornings and in the afternoons and evenings, we worshipped and prayed with the youth.

• Jesus in the gym — in the middle of the day, we had a bunch of free time our second day. I decided I just wanted to pray. Out loud. By myself. And somewhere where I could yell. So I went to the gym. I put on some music, and I just had a really honest, real time with Jesus. I got loud. I yelled. I listened. I sang. It was awesome.
• Crazy worship night — Things got cray. I stood on a chair for a long time. Impromptu poetry started coming out. People were getting visions. God was speaking like crazy. It too was awesome.
• Conversation with Lisa — I got to have a really cool conversation with Lisa just about struggles and my life and stuff. It was cool because I've been semi-bad about opening up.
• Making a new song — one day during free time, Gareth, Lisa, Thinus and I decided we just wanted to mess around, so we ended up making a worship song complete with animal sounds and crazy other sounds. Check it out on Facebook. :)
• Learning Ballet — Xandra taught us how to be ballerinas on the stage. I couldn't sit comfortably for a few days. I have so much respect for dancers.
• Getting locked in the bathroom — CRAZY STORY! Ok, so one morning before breakfast, I went to take a shower and when I had finished I was going to leave. When I tried the door handle, I had been locked. From the inside. And I was no where close enough to any of the team members for them to hear me screaming for help. So I stayed locked in there for a while trying the door. I had no phone or anything. I was starting to get frustrated, a little bit scared. So I prayed. I decided to try the handle one more time. The door came right open. CRAZY! Prayer is so powerful.
• LoEllen's smile — I'm sure I didn't say his name right, but there's this really cool dude in Opi Berg who loves Jesus so much and just has one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen.
• Jesus in the gym #2 — One of the nights, we decided to do an all night prayer in which we each took time slots during the night where we would wake up and pray. That way, there was always someone praying throughout the whole night. I decided to do extra and I took 4 hours during the night and I wanted to do my time in the gym area. At first I just worshipped for over two hours. I could only really play one song because I'm still learning, but after a while I just started to make up my own lyrics and it was cool because it was like I was really singing to Jesus what was on my heart. Around 12:30, the demons started to come and let me tell you I was TERRIFIED! I have never been more scared of them. I wanted to run, or wake someone up to come pray with me. But then all of a sudden, I really was filled with the holy spirit and I just heard this voice say: "sing. Just sing."I was filled with all sorts of courage. I grabbed the guitar, started to play and just sang. Instantly, I saw this ring begin to expand around the building and the demons could not enter the ring. God reminded me how much of a spiritual battle this side of eternity is and I immediately began praying protection over our team and for Koue Bokkeveld.
• Magic tricks — Gareth decided he was going to be a magician. It didn't work out so well. Lisa really is a magician and showed us some crazy card tricks!
• Lastly, I want to remember all the people who accepted Jesus on this trip — we were truly blessed. We got to see so many seeds drop on fertile soil.

So that was everything I want to remember about our two week outreach. I know I didn't give much detail on what we were doing in each place, but you can read about it somewhere on the JAM website I'm sure. This was just the outreach from my perspective.

Bullet point memory week one of outreach

Ok! Outreach! In case some of you out there don't keep updated with JAM or any of their social media websites or get their newsletters or any of the other marvelous things they do to keep in touch with people all over, then let me fill you in. Our team (well, majority of our team) went on a two week outreach first to Prince Albert and then to Koue Bokkeveld (spelling is so butchered; I'm sorry).

It was nice because, well many reasons, which I will list and briefly explain below, but especially because of how small our team was. The super six included: Myself, Tessa, Lisa, Xandra, Gareth and Thinus. And that was our team — just the six of us. It was quite nice with the flexibility of a small team and the "homey, family" feel. But here's some things I wrote down that I wanted to remember about this outreach.

• Mixed CDs — I got to make some killer mix CD's for the 10+ hours we spent in a car over the outreach. I included all the best like some Disney, some '80s, some techno, some oldies, a little bit of this, little bit of that. But bottom line, they were awesome mixes and it was SO much fun to rock out with the team in the car
• Mountain Update — in case you are slightly behind, Gareth, Masi and I have started a youtube channel all about the life we have living on a mountain. Don't worry, we DID do updates while we were on outreach. 
• Card Games — almost every night, the team would have some time where it was just the six of us and we would play super fun card games like UNO or this one game called Mao. Looking back on the card game moments, we kind of looked like a cheesy hallmark movie where the family sits down and plays a game together, but it was PERFECT!
• Tent collapse — the first half of outreach, we were staying in tents and one of the nights/mornings, there was a HUGE thunder storm. While everyone was running around grabbing bags and things, our tent literally collapsed on me and I was stuck there for a while, haha! It was quite hilarious.
• Braii — oh man! We had such a yummy braii with Tannie Heleen and Oom Karl. It was lamb chops and bread and other yummy things, oh my word!
• Job — Every morning the first couple of days, youth from a surrounding town came and helped us build  camp activities for the Prince Albert base. One of the mornings I got to lead the devotional and I decided to do it over Job. It turned out to be super blessed and was exactly what some people needed to hear. Go Jesus! :D
• Worship with Kalisdorp — oh my word! We did a weekend camp in Prince Albert with two neighboring towns' youth and their worship! These people were such worshippers! All of it was beautiful and most of it was made up on the spot. It was so lovely and blessed
• Testimony at the cross — during the camp, we "hiked" up to a cross near the house where I got to give a Little snippet of my testimony which was cool because it was really only the second time I've done that in all my life.
• Smores — 'nough said.
• Enslin & rap & poetry — I met a guy who will be joining JAM next year named Enslin. And he's awesome. I got to perform some poetry for him and a few other guys and in return they all started rapping. They were sooo good! All their raps were about Jesus.
• Create a song — during one of the camp sessions, tannie split everyone into 4 groups, and each group was given a verse in the bible in which they must make a song out of. It was SO much fun and so cool how the spirit showed up.
• Tannie's session on blessings and encouragement — Tannie had a session all about speaking words of life and encouraging each other. We got to stand in two circles (an inner and an outer) facing each other, then we took turns telling each other encouragement. It was incredible!
• Tannie sayings — throughout our time with Tannie Heleen, she would randomly just say such encouraging things to us. Things she told me: You're lovely. You've got a beautiful instrument (meaning my singing voice). You're a great composer. And, others enter into God's secret place because of  your one-ness with Jesus. So encouraging eh?
• Response to testimony — there were two young people, a guy and a girl, who each came up to me and said how much they needed to hear my testimony at this point in their lives and it was SO awesome to know that God had used me in that way.
• Sheep Tending with the Haus' — I got to herd sheep.
• Playing guitar on the porch — I'm reteaching myself guitar and I got to play on our lazy day where I was overlooking a sheep pasture, and the mountains and this beautiful sky. It was so surreal

So that all was from week one of outreach. My next post will be week 2.

Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth for a bit there.

My goodness. I do apologize for my absence for this period of time. Normally, I would blame my lack of blog updates on the fact that we've been busy at JAM. But that's probably not quite true. We have been busy doing weekly ministry and our two week outreach and things, but there has been plenty of time to update this blog; I just haven't. I'm sure all the writers out there can identify with a person's inability to feel "creative" enough to sit down and write.
Also, I've discovered this sense of appraisal I desire from my readers. I really don't want to let y'all down with anything I write so unless I think it's going to be a good piece, I'd rather not post it. Silly, huh? Nonetheless, I've much to update you on. So stay tuned for the following posts! :D

The Warrior Inside

I find that if I'm having trouble figuring out my own heart, I let myself get carried away in poetry. 

The poem here, "The Warrior Inside" was written after a man I met asked about JAM and what we do. I told him about the vision of JAM: "To empower the youth in South Africa and make disciples who can make disciples."

I didn't even get the full sentence out of my mouth before he cut me off with a blunt: "It's never going to happen. This country will never change." This man was a Christian.

For those of you who don't know me well, I'm not an aggressive or angry person. ... But I can be. 

And as of late, I've had to ask Jesus again and again to soften my heart towards His bride. I'm not a "church" person; I never really have been. But I do care about the Church and if there is one thing that God has continually spoken into me as a message to His bride it's this: Wake up. 

Just the other night, I was sitting around a dinner table with my napkin in my lap and my placemat set like a cotillion.

Making "polite" conversation

when the dinosaur man across the table joined in

He heard what I did for living, spotted my plate and negated to keep his mouth shut.

"I don't mean to be negative, but I'm afraid honesty is key and honestly, this country will never change."

And I wish he hadn't done that.

I'm in ministry you see,

And I tried my best to force myself from getting angry because I

work to be the vessel in which redemption and revival overtake survival and demoralization.

And I looked at that man, 

saw his Santa belly and hypocrisy dangling around his neck in the form of a cross.

And I thought:

If the energy you use shoving food down your esophagus could be used helping overcome this world's troubles, maybe this country would change. 

And the terrible thing about what I do is I come across so many "Christians" who forget what to shoot for.

And the warrior inside wants to come alive and strive to destroy their tainted views.

My fists clench.

My Jaw tightens, 

These are the signs

that brought the warrior to life

Driven by rage, driven, but driving don't lead you nowhere, unless Love's behind the wheel.

So I shut up and keel over in my rage, begging the Lord to speak reason.

I can't tell you how many Jesus shaped prisons I've seen.

Big ones adorned with steeples and a high rising ceiling.

Loud ones with sounds and lights that give you headaches.

Quiet ones that elicit judgmental looks if I ever raised my hands in worship.

Small ones where everyone knows your name.

Ones with Santa bellies and cross necklaces

I've seen ones that look like people with the names of christ followers, but look a little deeper and they're all the same.

Prisons meant for the one who gave them their names.

Boxes designed to pack in what cannot be tamed.

And I get so mad that they try to claim him as their own.

I have a side conversation with Him in my head while I try to figure out how to answer this dinosaur man.

Jesus, how am I to have compassion for your people when they're trapped in their own steeples?

Jesus, how am I supposed to respond to the call when they keep falling and falling and falling?

Jesus, I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of hearing your name tossed around like watered down koolaid.

People kept adding their own mixture until the power of your identity and the reality of your character felt weak.

Jesus, if this is what it means to be a christian, I'd rather be a heathen.

I just want to be with you.

Nothing more, nothing fancy, nothing new.

Jesus, I look all around and see your people get it wrong again and again and again

And then I look within and see me get it wrong again and again and again,

But instead of feeling redemption, I get beaten over the head with stipulations and rules and things to fix and wounds to heal 

while all the while, the dinosaur man unravels my biggest fear 

THAT IT"S ALL FOR NOTHING!

I withdraw into the smallest and intimate part of my soul and hear the soft singing of my heart.

I sing to Him:

Just a little while longer and I'll see you. Just a little while longer and I'll know you. Just a little longer and we'll be together.

I know what it's for.

The warrior returns.

I contemplate the dino man's statement.

"This country will never change."

I swallowed my pride, looked him straight in the eye and said:

"And, Whose fault is that?"

What is love?

There's something about South Africa that I've never really quite experienced anywhere else. And, it could also just be a JAM thing. But I've never encountered a group of people who love so unconditionally and purely. It kind of takes me off guard. Like, I spend a lot of time and energy trying to puzzle out the "catch." 

I'm starting to realize there isn't one.

Being here, on this mountain with all of these people who just keep loving and keep loving to a point where it's almost too much, it's made me realize how cynical and hard I had become. How sad is it when I can't even fully give or receive love to the extent that Jesus had in mind for me?

But these people here, they take away every doubt I have about love.

You see, I kind of have this problem with love. In the past, I've really been burned by a rejection of love. I get attached, very attached, and I start doing things out of love, pure love. For instance, I write notes, I give compliments, I spend as much time as I can with each person I get attached to. I do tons of things for them, I go above and beyond for them, because my love for them I can't really do anything with except let it overflow. I don't know if any of you out there have that with people. And it's not really a romantic thing. I mean for that ONE person it can be. But love isn't always about romance.

Anyway, most of the people in my life who I have loved so sincerely like that, have turned around and spat it in my face. They ran from that; they were intimidated by a love that was willing and able to expose everything about them they couldn't cope with.

I don't know. Sometimes I think it is the human nature to turn away from everything that pursues you. 

Therefore, because of all this, I put guards up. I choose not to get attached to people. I find it's easier that way. I choose not to open up. I choose to keep people a safe distance away because I don't want to get attached, just to have that person tell me they don't want my love. And I choose not to receive love from people either. Because I don't want to wake up one day and all of a sudden the people who loved me most have up and decided I'm not worth the trouble. (which has happened). So I find it's best that I don't receive love either, that way I don't get accustomed to it and begin depending on it.

But here, you really can't escape their love.

Take Tessa. I wouldn't have realized it at first, but there are very few people I've ever met who has the ability to love me the way she does. Not only does she love me, but she caters it specifically for me, and what my needs are. It's in all the small things she does. Like the other night, when I was alone on this mountain, she texted me and asked if I was ok. And kept asking me if I wanted her to come get me. And, I don't know how she knew this, because I haven't been talking about it with anyone, but I've really been craving companionship with people outside of JAM. She somehow KNEW that that's what I needed, so she offered to take me to a youth thing for college kids at a local church every wednesday. AND, without me even asking her or talking about it with her, she had gathered from watching me that I don't always like meeting new people, so she offered to GO with me every week. She hates new people. But she wanted me to feel good about it. I'm constantly amazed at her love. And it's so behind the scenes too. 

And Ashley. Ashley just has this way that makes you feel so special. She pulls ME out of all the team and chooses to have coffee dates with me one on one. That time means the most to me. If you love me enough and think of me so highly that you're willing to spend one on one time with me, that goes a long way with me. And Ashley so genuinely wants to know about my life and cares what I say. I could talk for the next ten years straight and she wouldn't get tired of it. I don't always like to share my struggles or problems because I feel like people will get sick of listening to it, but Ashley continually reassures and PROVES that she isn't like that. In fact, she intentionally asks questions she KNOWS will illicit responses about struggles.

And Debi. Debi also just invests so much in me. She's always asking me how I'm doing, and I know it's not the shallow "how are you" question, but she really wants to know how I'm really doing. She also, has one on one coffee dates with me out of everyone on the team, and she wants to know my story. She continually showers me with compliments, and is the first to greet me whenever I walk in to a room. 

I could probably go on about everyone on my team, but that would just be way too long. The point is these people are crazy with their love. Sometimes it's hard not to rationalize it in my head like: "Do I keep sending off vibes that I'm not ok? Why is everyone being so nice to me?" 

But one thing they keep proving is that there aren't stipulations to love, not real love. It's not an "if, then" statement. IF you do this, THEN you get love. No. They just love me as I am. I like that. And it wasn't until I started experiencing it, that I realized I haven't really gotten it very many other places, not like this. 

I gotta say, it's so cool to have people around who I look up to SO much who also love me and think the world of me. :) Go Jesus. So yeah, that's what He's been teaching me about love.

I guess I'm a Body part.

I tend to process everything. Every little experience throughout the day, most of the time, I think about, reflect on, and then, think some more about it. My family always said I was a "wise soul." And the other day, I heard a paster talk about wisdom, how it comes from experience. I want to edit that just a bit. I think wisdom comes from EVALUATED experience. Which is why I believe I am a "wise soul" — because I evaluate EVERY experience.

Which is why it kind of caught me off guard this evening when Lisa was asking me questions about my time here that I hadn't yet asked myself. It's funny how God chose to use her in that way to reach conclusions that I had not thought of in my life. She probably would have been the most unlikely person in my head to extract that kind of reflection because I know her the least of all the girls, and often times, I am intimidated by what I don't know.

But I kind of got a better understanding of what I already guessed God was teaching me in this season. I can tell you now, it is a beautiful season, full of challenge, redemption, and renewal. And it comes with a defeat of pride.

So pretty much all my life, the Lord has been training me separately from the body. To be honest, I was quite turned off from Church and Christianity, but I had this relationship with Christ that I didn't even realize was a relationship with Christ. I could hear him talk to me. I could feel his presence before I really even knew relationships with Jesus existed. And He trained me in that. He trained me how to listen to him, how to prophesy, how to obey. All this time, He had been building our relationship separate from a christian community.

In my head, I kind of equate it to the Legend of Korra. When the avatar is discovered in their early stages of life, they are whisked away from the other children and taught the elements of fire, water, earth and air separately from everyone else. And then, when they are ready to lead and fill their role in history, the teachers and masters allow the avatar to re-enter society. (I know, I'm a nerd. If Brooke is reading this, she'll appreciate this part. And so will all the other Avatar: last airbender fanatics)

God kind of did that with me in a way. He taught me away from church, away from christians, away from the body, until I was ready to start my ministry. Guess what time it is in my life. Time to start my ministry. So, in this season, God is showing (forcing) me to re-enter the body. Or rather, acknowledge that I am part of the body. Instead of speaking to me directly, he's using other Christians to communicate with me so that I'm forced to include them on my walk with Jesus and learn how to receive from them.

I never really liked the idea of getting "filled up" by anyone but the father directly. Whenever I got re-energized in my faith, it was never because of a pastor's sermon, or a really good worship session; it was always because of a direct conversation I had had with the father. And now, He's teaching me how to allow people in the body of Christ to fill me up. It's really taking a number on my pride, because I don't like the idea of needing other people. I don't want God to use other people to communicate with me because that means I need them. And I don't want to learn how to go deep with people, because I can already go deep with God. But He's showing me, that if I want to start my ministry and have be successful, I have to learn how to be a part of the body. I have to learn how to go deep with people. I have to learn how to give AND to receive.

This is one of the most beautiful season's I've ever been in. But not one I was expecting.

Ask away.

It's kind of strange how God works sometimes.
I mean on some things I pray for, it literally takes MONTHS even years for me to see the result of God's action. Sometimes, I never see those prayers answered.
And then there are some prayers that literally get answered within a day.
That's been happening a ton lately! It's really quite exciting when you have so much assurance on the power of prayer. I feel like I could literally ask God for anything (with the right motives of course) and it would be given to me. I mean there's scripture that states that, but my prayers have never felt more powerful.
Just last night, I ended up opening up to two staff members on the team about the season of restoration God was taking me through, and their advice to me was basically to find a mentor/accountability partner.
Well yeah, I already knew that. But unfortunately my mentor and accountability partners are thousands of miles away. The two staff members encouraged me to find someone (a mentor or accountability partner) here in South Africa while I am here, and while I plan on doing that, I just silently begged God to do SOMETHING. You ever have those moments, when you try to puzzle out a solution on your own, come to the conclusion that there is no easy solution, so you revert to just asking God to do SOMETHING? Well, I didn't see a mentor here I could count on quite yet, and my own mentor and partners are miles away, so I really didn't have a solution for right now.
Yeah, the next morning, I got a message from my mentor asking if we could skype soon. God, that was literally less than a day. Why do you spoil me?
And if that wasn't cool enough (although it might not sound cool to anyone but me), I was having a conversation this afternoon with my roommate about some concerns I was having amongst the team. I kinda thought that people on my team had a misconception of where I was in my relationship with Jesus. As if they thought I was a shallow Christian, or a new one.
We were sharing prayer requests. My request was to reach a new level of honesty with God. And I got asked: So you're kind of starting a relationship with Jesus? Ouch. I've had a relationship with Jesus. I'm not starting one...
So Idk, I kind of had this lie in my head that all the people I look up to most on this team thought downwardly on me, as if I lack the experience I know I have or that I was "young."
But then, just this EVENING, one of the staff members asked me if I wanted to learn how to drive here. And she said once I learn I could use the JAM vehicles to go into town, or help drive to outreaches and ministry sites. Only staff members drive.
And in that gesture, Jesus settled a bunch of doubts about my teammates. And while I'm still working on it, I don't feel as much like I'm looked at as "young." Jesus, that was literally just a few hours you answered that one. What next? Tell me what to pray for and I will. Tell me what to ask for, Jesus, and I will ask.
I kind of feel like when I go through periods where I can physically see all of my prayers being answered that I should share that power with everyone else around me. It's that mentality of: I have power over this earth. Things I ask for are happening, and I know everyone has needs so if Jesus is answering mine when I ask, maybe He will also answer everyone else's if I ask.
It kind of makes me think. What else could I have received, or others around me could receive if I had only asked?

The Goat Team Climbs Lion's Head

Every aspect of being on a ministry team is exhausting, fluctuating, and exhilarating.
I mean every day seems to hold the full spectrum of human emotion and challenge.
Just today, the team was pushed emotionally, spiritually, and especially physically.
We decided to climb a mountain.
I mean why not right?
So after waking up at 7 am, grabbing breakfast, doing a book study on spiritual leadership (yeah that stuff is heavy) and hitting the road, we were at Lion's Head by 10.
There were six phases to this mountain.
1. This Incline Is So Steep I'm Walking Vertically
2. Staircase of Hell
3. I'm So Close to the Top I Can Taste It
4. I'm an Actual Explorer Because I'm Rock Climbing on Real Rocks
5. You Weren't Actually That Close Before
6. Oh Thank You Jesus, We Made It
The worst phase was definitely phase one. I thought I was going to die. The incline spirals around the base of the mountain so on the first stretch; I decided to RUN up it. Have you ever tried to run up a mountain? Yeah, It doesn't really work. I keeled over about 50 yards in. This was what they think is "team bonding." Yeah, maybe for a team of goats.
Actually though, I loved hiking that mountain. The cool part about it was A) we actually got to CLIMB instead of just hike and I felt like a legit explorer/adventure. I got a new nickname: Laura The Explorer. B) Every part of that mountain was metaphorical for our walk with Jesus.
As I walked up I thought about God's strength in His creation. That every muscle working to allow me to climb, my lungs that consistently filled me with air, my heart that I occasionally stopped to listen to the beat of, my feet that were just small enough to use the rocks as a grip, but big enough to give me a steady platform to jump — all of these things were by His design and by His strength they work.
I thought about each individual rock and how this MIGHTY mountain is really just made up of a huge pile of smaller rocks. It's kind of like the body of Christ. It's a HUGE spiritual mountain, but it's just made up of all of these small rocks — people.
And lastly, I thought about Jesus. How the last time He climbed a mountain, He was climbing to His death, and He KNEW that, yet He kept climbing. I thought our climb was hard. I can't imagine doing that while also carrying a cross AND my skin has been practically torn off from previous beatings while also hearing people spit insults at me from the sidelines. Sho God! How you continually amaze me the deeper I look into things.

The difference between short and long term missions.

It kind of hit me yesterday that there are two different mindsets that come with two different types of missions.
There's short short term missions. I've been on a few of those, one to Haiti, one to South Africa, one to Colorado I guess (but that one was more about the missions you can find along the way, rather than the missions you must do at your destination).
Then, there are long term missions. Ones like the one I am on now, where you stay in a place for over six months, living in the community, and discipling continuously.
Not that either mindset is better or worse than the other, but I never realized there was a difference until now.
It's kind of hard to explain until you've experienced both scenarios.
But when I went on all my short term missions, I poured out as much love as I could on each kid and person I came in contact with. We played together and sang together and worshiped and prayed, etc. I keep thinking of Haiti and our community there. Every day we went, we would take all the kids to the park and play ball with them or duck, duck, goose, or tag or something. It was a blast, until I realized how out of shape I was and continually had to stop and catch my breath while the Haitian kids just kept truckin. Needless to say, I always lost.
I mean, you get familiar with their faces and you might even remember their names. My kiddos of the week in Haiti were Macy, Nixon, Nicholas and June. It's been almost two months, and I still remember their names. They were the first to greet me every day and the ones I felt most connected with. But it's different.
Because on a short term mission you have the understanding that you won't probably see these kids again. You can go and have your fun, pour out, get emotional over their situation for awhile, pray for them for awhile, and then go home.
In long term missions, there's really nothing that glorious about it. Because you don't go home at the end of the day. You become a part of their story. You don't get emotional over there situation for a while. And you don't pray for them for a while. You fight for their freedom and pray for their protection CONSTANTLY.
Yesterday, we went to Sir Lowry's, which is a township about two hours away from our base. We go every Wednesday to do ministry there with the kids. At first, my mindset was exactly what it was in Haiti — go, play with the kids, love on them, maybe learn a name, go home.
See the big difference is you don't really care WHICH kid you love, they're all the same (at least that was my mind set). They all need love right?
But then, as the day went on, I watched the JAM staff members very closely. (I always watch them, because I always learn from them the most when they think no one is watching.)
I saw how Tessa would greet a few of them by name. She had a relationship with them it seemed. I watched Ashley especially, since kids ministry seems to be her calling or at least a gifting God has given her. She had kids I could TELL she was closer with than others. She knew their families and asked them for updates on things they had been previously talking about the weeks prior. She knew which ones would misbehave. She knew how to respond to this one when she does this, or that one when he does that.
And eventually, I began to see this as a MINISTRY and not a mission. It began to look a lot like discipleship I've seen happen at home actually.
And when I went home, all night, I couldn't get any sleep because I just kept picturing this little girl's face. I've no idea what her name was even. But from the moment I got there, she clung to me. She spotted me among the visitors, reached out her hand and I pretty much held it the whole time. She couldn't have been older than three but she was cute as a button in her bright lime green jacket and pink rainboots. She kept her hood up the whole time and would rarely smile, but when she did, it was so magnetic, she probably could have asked me anything and I would have given it to her.
And I mean, these kind of things happened in Haiti too, and in South Africa when I came last time. These kinds of things HAPPEN on short mission trips; I'm not saying they don't or discounting that.
But as I sat there, I realized, I will see her again. And the high schoolers at Cape Academy, and the teenagers at IY, I will see them again.
I think we have a tendency on short term missions to subconsciously categorize the people on those mission fields as something different than ourselves. How many times have I heard people say, "But in America," or "But in Haiti." We have this false pretense that kids here are different than us. I don't think we mean to, but we have this elitist attitude of "we are doing so much for them." When a team comes in and plays with a bunch of kids, we go home at the end of the day feeling so uplifted and proud of ourselves. I know I did. I left Haiti with the mindset of "Wow, thanks God for using me. Good work today!"
But here in a long term missions field, it's more about INVESTMENT. These kids aren't just faces and blips on my life timeline. And in order to feel proud of ourselves or of God, we actually have to see REAL lifechange. These kids are my investment of the kingdom. I have X amount of influence and X amount of love that I can give out before I need refilled. I invest that influence. I invest that love in those I think I can most push.
On a short term mission field, you love everyone. It doesn't matter who the kid is, you love on them. That's an awesome attitude to have, but it's different than now.
Now, in a long term mission field, you love one the way you WISH you could love everyone. Because the fact of the matter is, quantity is not going to save or even affect anyone. Quality is. When you have more time, it's a better tactic to pick a few kids, a few students who you KNOW God has sent to you and you KNOW you can disciple. Yes, we are called to love everyone equally, and I'm not saying that we don't. We do. JAM loves every kid they come in contact with. But I know that everyone on the team, everyone on the staff has certain kids, certain students that they spend more time with. They invest in them more than the others, not out of favoritism, but because God has brought them to us, and ultimately, if we want to impact a community, the best way to do that is to invest in those in the community who can make an impact.
So yeah, that's been God's lesson of the day yesterday.

I jump off a cannon. Woot.

Ok, disclaimer. For those of you who aren't used to how I interact with God, it's kind of strange. He does things that I can't really explain and 80% of the world probably wouldn't believe. Anywho, we had kind of a weird little encounter two days ago, me and God.

It was Saturday. Hike day. All week I had been excited to go hiking with the gang (gang being Tessa, Daniel, Xandra, Dereck and Debi). I had even took the liberty to boil eggs the night before and get a breakfast packed. (btw, the eggs turned out gross because I didn't boil them all the way) I set my alarm for 7 so I could be ready by 7:45 to leave. Yeah, that didn't happen.

My alarm went off at 7, and I had almost a perfect reenactment of waking up for school. Alarm goes off. Grunt. Turn alarm off. Roll over. Too bad about the hiking, maybe I'll go next Saturday. It's just as well though, because I suppose God had other plans.

About an hour later, around 8, I woke up. And it wasn't one of those gradual wake ups you do when you're on a lazy day (although it WAS a lazy day). I literally sprung out of bed like a jack in the box. It was kind of like an army wake up call, when your commander struts through the doors and immediately starts barking orders. You SPRINT out of that bed. The first thing I heard was: "Go to the cannon."
Sorry. Come again?
It is 8 in the morning.

* Side note: The JAM base, before JAM owned it, was actually a military base. The South African government was afraid that World War 2 would find its way to South Africa, so as precautionary measures, they built this base overlooking the ocean. Around the base, there are two HUGE cannons. The kind you can climb in and maybe even live in. The base of the cannon is about two stories tall and as big as my living room. And the actually tube part of the cannon is about 35 feet long. The funny part is, they never actually used either one. Regardless, if you climb on top of the base of the cannon, you can get the most gorgeous view. Here's a diagram of the cannon! *

God, I do not want to put real clothes on today.
Plus, it's like a 15 minute walk, and can't we just talk here? Why do you want me to go all the way to the cannon just to talk to me?
Still, he was adamant. Whatcha gonna do? So, I reluctantly changed out of my PJ's, and headed toward the A side of the base where one of the cannons were.
When I got there, I climbed up the rusty ladder, ready to give God a piece of my mind when I reached the top.
"Ok God, what do you want?" I shouted. You see, one of the benefits of being on the mountain is that you can be as loud as you want. Also, I think a lot of us completely miss the verbal communication aspect of our relationship with God. Sure, He knows your thoughts, but don't you think He actually wants to hear your voice when you speak to Him from time to time?
I stepped to the ledge of the base and saw the tube of the cannon, a good 5-6 feet below me.
"Jump," I heard Him say.
God are you crazy?
1. It's like a 5 foot drop, almost as tall as I am.
2. It's kind of narrow so I don't have much of landing pad.
3. It's a cylinder, if I miss step either to my right or left, I'll roll right off.
"No, God."
"Jump."
"No."
Silence.
"Lord, why must you test me?"
To which He replied: "Laura, I am your teacher. For the same reason your earthly teachers must test you, so must your heavenly teacher."
He wanted to see my progress in faith. Actually, I think He wanted ME to see my progress in faith. It's kind of like when He asked Peter three times. "Peter, do you love me?" I don't think He was asking that of Peter so He could hear Peter's answer. He already knew Peter's answer. He wanted Peter to be sure of himself. To understand how their relationship had developed and that it had gone from a "Phileo" kind of love to an "Agope" kind of love.

*Side note: In greek, Phileo is a word that means brotherly kind of love. Or like a close friend. Agope is the kind of love that is unconditional and sacrificial. Like God's love for us. I learned that from Scott Courtney, one of the best pastors I've ever been blessed enough to know *

However, I still couldn't get myself to jump. I mean, it's a long fall! And I had no cell phone. If I got hurt or something, or broke my leg, how was I supposed to tell anyone? I was by myself on a mountain. Not many people pass by, if ever.
Then He said: "To fly, you must learn how to fall. And then know, that it is MY wings that will take you the rest of the way."
He continued to poor encouragement into me, until eventually, I jumped. Yeah, I know. Practicality would say "That's so Stupid!" I mean, no communication. On the surface, there's really no gain in jumping off a cannon. I could have broken my leg. etc. etc. etc. God doesn't really care about reason.
But, half a second later, I landed square on the tube completely unharmed.
I know it's silly. But that's exactly what I needed to measure where I was in my faith. I'm still a bit hesitant, but I know, when it comes down to it, if God asks me to jump, I will.

The man in the loincloth gets it right. Go Tarzan.

It's starting to feel like home here.  

Every day, I think about my real home a little bit less. I think about my family a little bit less. And I get a little bit more excited about crawling into "my bed" every night even if it is just a sleeping bag on an old mattress that sometimes has worms in it. 

Of course I still think about my families back home often and miss them. Like this evening, the JAM team went out for put put golf which is something mom, Kristyn and I do occasionally as a family activity. With every put that bounced off a wall and into the water, I thought more and more of my sister, who is not always the best put put golfer (as am I) but would get so comically frustrated when the ball wouldn't go in the silly hole. Come to think of it, this might have been my first mini golf experience without my mom, sister or dad there. That's weird. I need to get out more. 

 Also, as I start ACTUALLY working, I'm having to use my inDesign and Photoshop programs which just is a constant reminder of my yerd family in 151 and all those frustratingly wonderful hours we would spend on those same programs. Sometimes, I'll even look to my right as if Maddie Anderson will still be sitting at the computer next to me. I wonder how they are doing...

 And just the other day, Ashley came to the base wearing this perfume (or maybe it was soap?) and all dressed up, and I thought: There's only one other person I know who could possibly look and smell nice on a mountain in South Africa — Allyson Day. Oh! And Ashley is also a dog fanatic. And every time I see her get excited about a nearby dog, I can't help but think of Libby. :)

And my roommate, Xandra,  reminds me a great deal of my best friend, Alyssa. Just getting to know her story, they seem to be so similar, although no one can replace Alyssa.

I mean, the fact that I'm on the other side of ministry now is a constant reminder of Becca, Scott and Aaron. I feel like I'm always asking myself — did Becca struggle with this? How do the westside student ministry team do that? Are these also the challenges that they have to deal with? What were some of the things they did in this situation? I find myself retelling Becca stories in my head of different things she's dealt with and overcome in ministry. They might be the most helpful thing in this process. 

So yes, there are triggers. And I still find myself longing for the beautiful faces of my beloved family members. However, like I said, I no longer obsess over the distance between us and I am starting to embrace THIS as my home now.

The smell of mince cooking in the kitchen, a late night scrambled eggs snack, the sunset over the cannon and the ocean beyond that, the crammed Avanza that has a ghetto third row of seats, the stashes of hot chocolate I brought from home and hide so no one eats them, the sound of Tessa laughing or the whack of a pool stick hitting the cue ball — that is home. Well, it's becoming that. The longer I spend here, the more it grows, and the more it feels like I belong here. Prudie and Phumla even have me saying "Sho" and "Eish, babba" already. 

I'm learning how to cook and do laundry and actually be a part of the house. And while I still don't know my teammates and roommates ALL that well yet, they are starting to feel like they belong in my life. Like when I wake up in the morning or sit down for breakfast, they need to be there otherwise it just wouldn't feel right. I guess that's a good word for where I'm at now. Right. It feels right. God really does know what He's doing.

You know, Phil Collins hits the money right on the mark in Tarzan during the title scene where he's swinging in his loincloth. The song goes:

"Put your faith in what you most believe in.

Two worlds, One Family." 

That's kind of what this is. In the kingdom, there is only one family, one body. And even though I am miles from home, I'm still home. How cool is that? I'm still trying to puzzle out how that is possible. So stay tuned. Haha. I might come up with a deep reflection on that answer, I don't know.

 

 

 

  

Don't forget the prize

Even in ministry, sometimes I think it's hard to remember the prize. Our team spends a few hours each week planning how we're going to bring Jesus to our communities and to our students and kids, and yet sometimes I myself completely forget all about Jesus.
Today, Xandra and I had a great conversation about theology. I, being a charismatic, have strong beliefs about how the spirit works and who the spirit is. Her, being more conservative, has never really experience much of the spirit or the spiritual realm but knows almost every bible story there is to know. It wasn't a hostile debate at all, just a warm conversation where we explored who god is together.
But, it wasn't until after going to Hout Bay playground that I started to reconsider that nothing we were talking about really mattered. Yes, the spirit matters. Yes, His works matter. Yes, it's good to talk about God. But if you lose God in the process, it doesn't matter.
When we arrived on the playground and all these kids from the community fought each other just for our attention, it no longer mattered how I interpret the bible versus someone else, or even how we do ministry. The only thing that mattered was Jesus and his people. Before us, I saw kids who desperately needed Jesus. It was our job to bring Him to them. Period. End of story. Case closed. That's Christianity. Simple as that.
A friend of ours today was talking to me about callings and God and all kinds of cool things. But one thing he told me was that all of us have one calling that is the same for each person. We are supposed to look like Jesus in this world. That is our calling.
It's kind of funny that I'm surrounded by "faith" type things ALL the time because I'm in ministry, but sometimes we all completely miss the one thing we're all supposed to be fighting for.
Basically, I love those Hout Bay kids and I can't wait to love on them again and show them who Jesus is.

JAM Anthem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_TOOXRpn8w

This song is the anthem of JAM this summer. As a ministry, I would say that is exactly our focus: Heaven come down. Spirit come down. We want to see your kingdom here.

Listen to the words. They are so great!

God's an artist

As much as I love ministry and I like hanging out with the kids in Africa, I think some of my favorite moments on this past outreach were actually the all day car rides. Not because I just love being in a car, because I don't. I get super stir crazy and grumpy when I'm in a car for too long. On our last stretch from Alex to Cape Town (which was a 10 hour drive), I got to the point where I was trying to find a way to use my shirt as a slingshot. I was so bored and so stir crazy and so done with being in a car. BUT, Jesus seems to always know what you need. And this is what our view looked like on our car rides. I didn't even need a deck of cards, or a portable DVD player, or video games, if I got bored, all I had to do was look out the window and at the playground God has already created for us. Sometimes, I still catch myself gaping at the beauty of the Transkei. And then it always makes me curious when I think about the irony. That some of the poorest places in South Africa, like Comsholo, where I spent three days teaching soccer (yeah that was awkward. I don't know how to play soccer) can be the most geographically beautiful places. And then I think about how many people miss this. How many people come to the big cities in this country or the "vacation spots" and completely miss out on the natural beauty of this land because they are unwilling to go where there is not a hot shower and internet.

Defined. In a nutshell.

I figured most of those reading these posts have a busy schedule and while you of course want to keep updated with what is going on here, I thought I'd make it easier and bulletpoint my last week on the Defined Outreach with the Westside team. Basically, westside brought over a team two weeks before I got here and they were doing a soccer mission trip where they would go into communities, coach soccer to the young adults and kids, and then also do devotionals and teach about Jesus through soccer. So the kids would come for the soccer, and they would use soccer as a vessel to teach them about Jesus and to share Jesus with them. The mission trip was called "Defined."


July 23 Tuesday
(I arrived in Durban the previous night and got a beautiful reunion with Ashley and Tessa and Schaun and all sorts of cool people.)
I woke up in the church. It was cold.
I got coffee/breakfast with Ashley, Bridget and Morgan. I got an appletiser; yum. Bridget got cake...
We went back to the church.
Sarah began talking to me about how excited she was that I was there. :) She is so sweet.
AND THEN! BECCA TAPPED ME ON THE SHOULDER!!
*side note: Becca is my mentor and one of my best friends and basically my sister. Love her to death*
REUNION. I hugged her really hard.
Everyone packed in the van. I got stuck in the one row that had to squeeze four people.
We went to Jungle Monkey Backpackers.
There was an optional worship with a local youth group. I went.
It was very spirit lead — worshiped, prayed, read scripture just whenever the spirit lead you to.
Got to pray with the Cosa youth; one american with one youth. My gal had the brightest smile. 16 years old. Her name was Zandu. She started crying when I prayed over her. She said it was because she was happy. I liked her.
We left. Got pizza.
Some child dancers came. They were good but it upset me.
Afterwards, there was a live band and almost the whole team got up and danced. VERY FUN!
Had some great fellowship with the team. Got a long conversation with Becca! It was the best way to end a great day.


July 24 Wednesday
Left Jungle Monkey.
The team went to the gap — a beautiful place with cliffs off the ocean. It was emotional because it was the spot where Lucia got swept away by the current.
We left for Bambi, where we would be staying for 4 days.
My roommates: Bridget, Lexi, and Prudance. PARTY ROOM!
Had Phat Cook for lunch. That stuff is the bomb diggidy.
We left to get started on the soccer clinics. Our van was making funny noises, so Molly, Thobiso and I had to wait for Schaun to pick us up before we could go to Comsholo.
We get there 2 hours late.
20-30 kids show up. I loved them. All boys between the ages of 12-14.
Molly set up all the drills and ran the practice. I was pretty useless. I don't do soccer.
After it got dark, I lead the devotional with the boys.
The devotional was about strength and where true strength comes from.
We went back. Then, we had a debrief.
Masi, Garreth, Bridget and I had a dance party. I should them the solja boi. (spelling?)
I went to the chapel and had some INTENSE worship. Everyone was singing super loud and praying at the top of their lungs. Total desperation for Jesus and it was beautiful.


July 25 Thursday
The team went to one of the schools.
A fourth of the team acted out an "tick" drama where everyone had ticks. Ticks represented sin. And you could get a free spray to get rid of the ticks. The spray represented Jesus.
The kids worshipped. It was beautiful! Beautiful. Beautiful.
We went back to the base. Ate.
Went to a plot of land where River Of Life will open. River Of Life is a new community center going up.
Then we went to the hospital.
I got to pray over two people. One accepted Jesus on the spot. Very cool.
Thobiso, Molly and I went to Comsholo for another soccer practice.
I lead the devo again.


July 26 Friday
We went to another school.
Did the tick play.
The kids worshipped. EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE FIRST ONE!
Went to the beach.
Alec, Morgan, Aaron and Bridget all got baptized!!! :) It was beautiful.
Becca and I made sand castles. Everyone thought they looked like boobs. :'( I'm not going into a profession of making sand castles.
I climbed across the rocks; saw whales.
Had lunch, and then went to Comsholo again.
We picked a team name: Lion Strikers.
Our boys were getting really excited about the tournament.
Thabiso and Molly and I got scolded for trying to go to KFC. I cried. Several times. Because Schaun is cool. And I don't like disappointing him.
It was a rough night. And I was homesick.


July 27 Saturday
Woke up early. I had kitchen duty.
The team left for Kwadick where the soccer tournament was going to be.
We waited for a few hours for the kids to all come.
Our van flipped with all our boys inside, and the mama. No one was hurt. PRAISE JESUS!
Our boys lost both games. :'(
Tournament was really cool. There were SO MANY people there. We had dinner with everyone and then went back.
I made thank you cards for all the drivers. They were appreciative. :)


July 28 Sunday
Got up early. Packed, cleaned, left.
Arrived in Alexandria.
Unloaded at a bed and breakfast. It was super nice. Felt like a resort.
My roommates: Jordan, Becca, and Morgan. We had such a fun room!
Got to see Steven, Adam and Abby. :)
Had a braii. Yummy yummy!!!
Worship that night was insane!!
Things I received from the Lord during worship:

• God asked why he's not enough for me. 
• He showed me how to want him through a vision
• Got all of my abilities back. :)
• Started getting prophetic things for everyone on the team all at once.
• Heard angles singing.

During worship we were literally singing with angels. :) How cool. Thanks Jesus.
That night in my room was so much fun! Jordan told us bed time stories and I was in a really funny mood. I was filled with joy of the lord. :)


July 29 Monday
Late wake up.
Breakfast.
Pack.
Got To Port Elizabeth.
SAW MADI!!!!!!!!!!!
Had a soccer clinic at the school. It was chaos but Alec was an AMAZING coach. So thankful I got to work with him.
Went to Barnacles for dinner.
Sat by Becca. She was CRACKING ME UP! I feel like our relationship really deepened. :) Very cool feeling!
Went back.
Worshiped.
I cried because I knew the next morning I would have to say goodbye to Becca. And for whatever reason, I couldn't stop thinking about Allyson Day and Libby Flood when I had to say goodbye to them at the church two weeks before.
Then, I heard Becca crying. It was a sad moment.
I tried to have a chat with Madi. But then she had to leave. Oh well, I'll see her again soon!
Went back to the room.
Had a cool conversation with Becca.
Went to bed.


July 30 Tuesday
Today sucked.
Said goodbye to Becca.
Cried.
Then said goodbye to Ashley 9 hours later after a full day in the car. Cried again.
I don't want to talk about it.
Good news: Finally arrived at Apostle!! Got to see where I'm staying and settle in a bit.
Also got to finally read all my westside notes!

And that ladies and gentlemen was the Defined Outreach with the Westside team.

Nanny McPhee Joins Westside Family Church. Weird.

Several years ago, I saw the movie Nanny McPhee. It's quite a good flick if you're in to the magical nanny Mary Poppins kind of movies. But there was one quote in it that I have been quietly pondering all this time. It's not always at the forefront of my mind, but in every goodbye I always come back to it.
"There is something you should understand about the way I work. When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go. It's rather sad, really, but there it is."
In the past few weeks I've been mulling it over in my head considerably and I've decided that's a pretty good truth into my own perception of my leaving.
Three nights ago, I had to say goodbye to my small group, my mentors, and my ministry. Tomorrow I leave. And in between then and now, I've said more goodbyes than I can handle.
But as I watched my student ministry's bus pull away Sunday night, I couldn't help but think of Nanny McPhee.
When I first got back from Africa last summer, I started on this brand new journey. Most of it can all be summed up inside of the Westside student ministry, but there are other characters outside of that of course.
I remember when God first told me to go to Westside, not even a few days after I'd gotten back. I was so pissed at Him, because I was content at the church I was at (even though I didn't go that often) and I had heard horrible things about it.
Nonetheless, He told me "Laura, jump in. There's work to be done."
Stepping in to the ministry for the first time was rough. I wouldn't say I was necessarily met with open arms. Not because they weren't friendly, but because it's easy to get lost among the faces in a ministry that big.
They needed me at that point, or maybe it's more of me needing them. Probably both. God made me to be a catalyst for the growth of that ministry. He had a plan and a direction He wanted to take it. And He sent me (without me knowing it) to build up the leaders who could take it there, and also to start pushing the wagon on the road He had destined for it. And in return, that ministry was a catalyst for me as well, preparing me for my next journey in rapid speed.
And now, as I watched the faces I loved roll out of the Westside parking lot in a Charter bus, I realized the truth in Nanny McPhee.
One year later, I loved this ministry more than anything, and the people in it. I wanted them. More than anything. But I did not need them. And they wanted me, I'm sure of it. But they no longer needed me. Therefore, it was time for me to leave.
It's kind of that feeling you get on the last day of a really satisfying family reunion. On the way up, you were dreading it. You spend the weekend, and it turns out to be super great. And then Sunday morning, when you're all packed up, you stick around for a couple extra cups of coffee caught up in the "in between time."
It's that awkward, pleasant and yet sad period of time, when you think about going to work on Monday. You think about the fact that life keeps going. But at the same time, you're content right now just drinkin' a cup of Jo with the family, spending time well wasted.
My work is a lot like Nanny McPhee's. God sends to the places and people I'm not comfortable with. But either they need me, or I need them. And then, when I get comfortable, it's time to go. There's always work to be done and I'm a firm believer in the idea that we were never meant to be comfortable.
On my last Sunday at Westside, this is part of what the Lord said to me:
"Have confidence in your exit for you have done what I have sent you here to do. I have sent you to prepare my children for me. You were a catalyst. You were what was needed.
This life is not yours or for you. I will send you where there is work and pull you away when it is finished. Get familiar with travel and do not expect a permanent home here; I am your home. You are my general, preparing the way for me. Therefore, you must go to all nations, for my children need to be ready. My Children rise up."
There's a lot of cool stuff in there, but one of the biggest things I took away Sunday morning was that I am exactly like McPhee when it comes to how to the Lord chooses to use me in Kingdom work.
"When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go. It's rather sad, really, but there it is."
Therefore, I am deeply burdened by saying goodbye to the my ministry and my christian brothers and sisters whom I love. But, I have peace in my leaving, and look forward to the work He has prepared for me in my next stop — Cape Town.

Matthew 17:20

I know a lot of times, I might come off as cocky or confident. But truth is, I squirm like a worm under a microscope every time people start complimenting me.
That's gotta be one of the most difficult things about this process — everyone wants to congratulate you, and talk to you about moving, and shake your hand while giving you a hefty pat on the back, as if you've just made the president's inauguration speech for him.
Newsflash: I've literally done nothing. I said yes, and God has quite literally done ALL the work.
I feel like that elementary bully who gets the nerd to make his science fair project for him and then takes all the credit for it.
I know how that story ends.
Spoiler: The volcano blows up in his face because he doesn't know how to work it.
But that's what the past couple of weeks have been like. Don't get me wrong, I love attention and really appreciate all the support. I think I'd go crazy if no one said anything positive about me moving or even asked any questions.
However, people have been coming up to me and saying how much they admire my faith and what an act of faith this move is.
Ok. First of all, if you've never moved to Africa yourself, you don't know how much faith it takes.
Secondly, what faith?!?! I am one of the weakest Christians when it comes to faith. I seriously have none. Jesus wasn't joking when He said: "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Yeah, I have faith about the size of a grain of sand.
I bet I whined and complained to God, and cried to Him and begged Him to change his mind more times than a two year old kid would. Basically, I can be a spiritual baby.
And I get so frustrated with people when they say these things to me, although I know they always mean well. :) But, I just want to shake them until all the loose change slips out of their pockets and their head screws back on. Look around, people.
I have seen more faith in a 16-year-old gal quitting softball — basically giving up her identity — than I have in myself.
I have seen more faith in a friend who works her butt off to get into a good K-state math class.
I have seen more faith in mentor who STILL perseveres in one of the most challenging ministries of all time.
God just gave me a calling that is glorious in the eyes of man, but He does not see with mans eyes. He only sees the attitude of my heart and my soul. Both of which have doubted and been afraid. Now, His grace covers that and his forgiveness follows. But don't be fooled by confidence.
When you compliment me, I will squirm like a worm under a microscope.
Maybe because I know I'm not the one who deserves the praise.
Give credit where credit is due. Not to me, but to Him.

Psalm 46:10

Hello internet world.
Normally, a journal is the most intimate and personal piece of writing anyone can own. So, naturally, while I spend my next year and half in South Africa, I wanted to make my journal public and open to the entire world to see. This blog is all about the documentation of what God does when He calls you, what you can experience by not hanging up, and what kind of people you can connect with by listening to Him.
Exactly one year ago, I found myself caught in the middle of that exact decision. God had been ringing and I needed to decide if I was going to pick up and listen.
For me, I got my first real phone call from Him at an outdoor church near Alexandria, South Africa. I had been in SA for about two weeks by that point and He had already been ringing for the past 14 days. When I first got there, His tug turned my life upside down.
I saw the local people, their contentment and joyous spirit. But what was even more moving to me was my team. I had no idea what real Spirit fire meant before I met them. I mean these people were crazy with their love for the lord, reckless with it even. They would beat the sun up every morning to sing and pray to the God of the universe. They would spend hours every day in devotional and in the Word of God. And their worship! Oh man, you've no idea what their worship was like. I think the whole of heaven opened up to us when we worshiped together.
They would go to dangerous and uncomfortable places physically, spiritually and emotionally without a second thought.
To give you an example, three of my team members, while we were in a community called Bombisana, visited hospitals where they met a boy who had been possessed by a demon. Instead of running from that, or even denying it, they stood in the gap for him and fought the demon with prayer. By the time we left the boy was completely healed.
I didn't even know things like that really existed. I mean, I'd read about it in the bible a few times but that was just the bible. That was years ago.
It only took about 4 days since my arrival in South Africa for the Lord to begin ringing. I got a tug on my heart that maybe, I was supposed to come back once the mission trip was over. I was about to be a senior in high school with just 9 months left before I left for college. Maybe, I wasn't supposed to go to college, but come back here. But that was crazy, and I'm not crazy. So I hit the ignore button on my God phone and continued on with the month long missions trip.
About 13 days later, I received a huge wave of inspiration to write something. Side note: Writing is one of my passions so this was a normal occurrence. I wrote a narration about my team and the kind of impact they had made on me since my arrival in SA.
That evening, during our debrief time, I got the opportunity to read it aloud, something I wasn't planning on doing but happened by sheer coincidence. What I wrote was probably one of the best pieces of writing I had ever written, and it was well received by everyone on our team.
Ironically, after I had read that, our mission paster spoke on callings. He gave three criteria that proved when God was calling you to something. Naturally, I leaned in a little to listen.
The three criteria:
1. You have to have a heart for the people and place He is calling you to. Check.
2. There had to be a need for your skillset. Not checked.
3. Logistics have to line up. No way. This was still crazy to me.
The next morning, we packed up and headed out to Alexandria. Our caravan had three vehicles: two 14 seater vans, and one car that seated 7. The car was almost always occupied by who I call the "important people:" the pastors and leaders of the trip. Therefore, I always rode in the vans. But, this time for some odd reason all the vans were full and I ended up having to ride in the car with the leaders of the organization, JAM, who our church was partnering with for the missions trip.
Somehow, I got to talking with a man named Thinus about the piece I had written the night before. Thinus was really impressed and I began to explain to him that I would love to come back to SA to help JAM, but I was not very good at ministry at the time and didn't think they had a need for my skillset, which was way more mechanical than it was relational.
Thinus began to explain to me that their media and marketing director for JAM was currently doing all the work by herself and had been praying to God for help for quite some time. He said she could really use my writing ability and multimedia experience (I was the editor of my yearbook). At this point I began to rethink picking up the phone for God.
I spent the next couple of days wrestling over the decision in my head: do I pick up the phone and listen to the call God was trying to give me. Or do I continue with the college plan I had had since I was a freshman? I mean, moving to SA is a big deal. My parents would probably not support that. I don't have the money for that. And I already had a school picked out and a plan.
We went to the outdoor church Sunday morning. It was nothing outrageously special or different, but the worship went a bit long. And while we worshiped, God no longer waited for me to answer the phone, He picked it up for me.
I ended up on my knees with my arms outstretched just singing. And in that moment, I heard Him. It was an audible voice that was so loud and so clear, I was immobilized and transformed at the same time. He said only 8 words to me, but it was enough. One encounter from the Lord is all you need to change your life. He said: "Be still and know that I am God."
In that moment I accepted my calling. I was to return to SA the following year to bring the love of God and tell His ongoing story to the people here.
And after I accepted that, everything else fell into place. I picked up an application to work for JAM, and within 2 days of sending it in, they had accepted me. It usually took them weeks to go through the process. On the flight back to Washington DC I was fighting with God over how I was going to pay for it; I made calculations in my head about how many hours I would have to work and at what wage if I was even going to be able to consider it. After doing a ton of math it was still an impossible task and out frustration I yelled to Him, "Father, I'm done. If you want me to go, you're going to have to provide everything."
During our layover between our DC flight and our Kansas City flight, one of my team members explained that they wanted to assist me financially with my calling and that I need not worry about money. That was a fast answer, God.
But, I still hadn't told my parents. What would they think?
The day after I got home, I went to Ruby Tuesdays with my mother. Gently, I began to break the news to her.
My parents are the kind of parents who believe wholeheartedly in education. You do not get to do anything until you finished college. And it was NEVER an option on whether or not my sister or I would go to college. But, to my surprise, my mother began to cry at our table. Through her tears she explained how proud she was of my bravery and my obedience and that she would support me.
A few days later, I did the same thing with my dad. We went to Five Guys and I began to explain to him what I wanted to do instead of college. He explained to me that he would support whatever dream I had.
So, once I picked up the phone, God did the rest of the work.
Now, I'm 17 days away from leaving home for the next year and a half. I'm starting this blog because I want you all to be able to experience the Lord like I will experience the Lord. I want you to come on this journey with me. I want to add you to this call so you can listen to what God is saying too. :)
All I have left to say is: Let the adventure begin.